“Where do you want to be in five years?”

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

It is a decent legitimate question, and a question that I ask myself from time to time, often replacing the number “five” with “three” or “ten”.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that, the question I should ask myself is, 

“Where do I want to be in my life years?”

The question is not about three or five or ten years anymore. It is about the lifetime, the lifetime ahead that is left for me. 

The direction for that answer becomes completely different. 

It is not with whom I want to be right now. It is with whom I want to be for my life, the person who would add value and color to my life, which would become bigger, brighter and with more substance. 

It is not with whom I can have fun right now, rather it is the person with whom I can have long term fun and adventure with. 

It is not what I can do to make a living right now, but, the kind of work I can make good living and at the same time spend my life adding value to and feeling joy with myself and others.

It is not where I want to be for five years anymore, rather, it is a space and a community in which I can be the person I want to be, with that person I can be with, and that work I can do in the long run. 

It is not the life I want to be in for now, but the lifestyle I can live with freely, joyfully, positively and with the least restraint and constraint I can have. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this if any.

With gratitude,

Self Wonder

I am glad I was abused.

I was trashed to the bottom.

I was called “stupid”, I was told “worthless”, I thought I was ugly.

For the longest time I thought I really was good for nothing and no one, not even for myself.

Who the hell was I? I was nobody. Even later in my life people had been telling me how great I was, I didn’t believe in them.

Because I didn’t believe in ME.

With years of working with myself, working through the past, understanding how I really was, I knew, I knew I was great.

Yet, sometimes, I went back to thinking, hmm maybe I was not.

But not anymore now. I am done.

And I am truly glad that I had a horrible scarred past.

I am glad that I was abused and hurt deeply.

You know why?

Because, what didn’t kill me did make me stronger.

I have done my work with my past.

I have become increasingly resilient.

I bounce back quicker and quicker from downfall.

I shut down enemies’ unsubstantiated attack , fake friends’ deceitful concern, and liars’ tempting lures.

I know my worth, my strength, my ability, and my purpose.

If you are at the state of self-doubt/lost/unsure of yourself, your life or your purpose, watch this movie. I am sure you are not as bad as where she was.

Ok, maybe you are not as intelligent as she is, or you don’t want to go to Harvard (!), but you know, you have been given LIFE, and what it will turn out from now on is up to YOU. And you are the one who can make a GREAT LIFE ahead. There is plenty of TIME for you to live a purposeful, wonderful life for YOURSELF.

So please, again, watch the whole movie. Have some patience to watch through especially the beginning, which is a little slow, but important, as you can have (if only) a little taste of what she had gone through in her childhood.

I hope to be as resilient as Liz is.

Peace, people,

Self Wonder x

 

(“) True Love (“)

Yes, sorry but I am being cheesy tonight.

I just watched this beautiful movie called “Love, Rosie”. I mean, I am sure I’ve heard of this film a while ago, and I was going to see it (I think it’s more like my dear Mom asked me to go see it with her!). But somehow, I (and my dear Mom) did not watch it.

Tonight, as I was getting a little moody on my own, I watched it online. And it was thought-provoking to say the least.

I get it. When you met someone when you were younger, how did you know if he or she would be the one already? I mean, at the tender age of freaking five?? Consider yourself lucky ! But then you really would have no idea whatsoever. And when that person had become your best friend ever, the last thing you wanted to do would be to ruin it with what, sudden infatuation and lust? No way!

But then life moved on, time drifted by. Girl met another boy(s), boy met another girl(s). They never met again at the right time and the right place. I do think that happens to people, perhaps even more than one imagines.

After watching this movie though (go figure about the ending if you haven’t watched it), I start to wonder, perhaps I should not (or never) give up/give in to finding that person. In fact, I have the most outrageous experience and feelings recently even I could not believe it would ever happen to me again. I mean, I didn’t think I could feel like that ever again, or if I had ever felt so strongly about someone before. Amazing… Maybe all hopes are not lost after all.

Self Wonder x

Thank you for your support, my dear.

I like what you wrote to me the other day.

“I am not just in for the good times. I am on for the bad times too.”

I was truly touched. Really, I mean, I just thought, I must be of value to someone in order for people to stay around. At least that was how I was brought up to believe. And even though I seem to have broken myself away from my past, it still tries to haunt me somehow, from very very far away.

I knew you had been good to me, but I did not think you would say that to me.

Now I know, even no one is around, I know you are there for me. Because you are in this with me. I am not alone here 🙂

Self Wonder x

Happy First Anniversary, Darling.

It’s been a heck of a journey. A heck of a journey.

For a lifetime. For a year.

For a year. For a lifetime.

Suddenly tonight, I realized something.

In the middle of the night, in complete darkness, having my headphone on, listening to this meditation music supposedly for deep sleep, I felt something inside. Something joyful. Something profound. Something deeply moving. Something emotional. I cried – no, literally sobbed in the middle of the night, in complete darkness.

I felt something so strong inside. I felt someone’s pain. I felt I must have done something to this person long time ago. I must have hurt his feeling. Then others. She, he, them. I felt awful. Why did I do that to them? I did not do that deliberately. But I did anyway. I had hurt them without even realizing it that time. And some I probably would never see again in my life, ever. I felt pain this time, my pain.

I have decided. I do not want to hurt anyone anymore. I need to deliberately be cautious in being nice to everyone, especially those who are close to me, to whom I might be worse to, which is horrible from me. How can I be such an evil person?
Perhaps that’s the real reason to my choice of celibacy recently.

I am not sure how long this choice is going to last. But it would last as long as it needs to. It has been an interesting ride so far. Yet in my crying just now, I felt, I was ready, to receive my soulmate. Did I just write “soulmate”? My friend was using this crazy word the other night, with a tone so unconvincing yet wanting. I think he might just wonder about it here and there.

I just feel I am ready to receive any challenge my new life will give me. I shall not live in fear anymore, including love. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Namaste. Peace.

SelfWonder x

Long-Term Happiness

Suddenly everything changes.

“Long-term happiness”– this phrase popped up in my head as I was lying in bed in complete darkness and that’s it.

The whole mindset just shifted.

All of a sudden I see things much clearer than I ever did. I have been seeing things much clearer and clearer these days, cleaning out the clutter, stopping doing the unnecessary things that I did and meeting the unnecessary people whom I interacted.

Of course I cannot just stop every single thing but as I clear out bits and pieces I am feeling much better about the present as well as the future. My head has never been so clean inside.

When I think about long-term happiness, I realize a lot of things that bother me right now would not matter any more after 10 years. And same for the people. Such a marvelous feeling to have when one has a clear mind like this. I am most glad I have an epiphany in the middle of the night lying in bed in the dark doing nothing. I suppose the great ideas always come when I least expect them. Hopefully so do people.

I hope you all have a great weekend ahead,

Self Wonder x

What a beautiful day!

“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?