I am worth my own while.

 

I might have told you many times that I loved Christmas. It is true that I love it so much more than any other holiday seasons throughout the year. Christmas is a time when family – the whole family, the extended families and all – comes together and celebrate. For me, it is not about celebrating Christmas, it is about celebrating Family. Family is about love, sharing, and caring for one another. Family is precious. Perhaps because I never had what I really wanted in a family, it is for me a very special at the same time unavoidably sensitive and emotional topic.

The first morning when I woke up in a foreign country for my Christmas holiday, I had this revelation: I never took myself seriously enough. What I mean is, I never took myself seriously enough for joy and love. I never loved myself and took care of myself seriously. I thought it was not necessary to be comfortable, to ask for what I wanted and go for it. I never took myself seriously enough to try to find someone who was serious enough to love me and be loved by me seriously. Or friends who were worth my while to maintain a true Friendship with. Or go for my passion for what was truly worth my while to fight for and stick with it. I doubted it at the first sign of failure. I left when I felt hurt and that I might not be good/talented enough for the person/my passion. In short, I gave up too easily because I was not sure if it was worth it. 

But this morning, I understood, I AM WORTH IT. I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness and success in my life. And no one is going to take me seriously if I do not take myself seriously enough in the first place. And for what it is worth, it means from being in a relationship with a friend, to a staff, to a student, to a family member and to a life partner. I did not have the ability or feel I had the worth to ask for what I truly wanted from others because I never took myself seriously enough for others to see what I was truly worth for. And when I say what I was truly worth for, it does not mean in a monetary value. It means I have to honestly display who I am and what I want and ask for the kind of respect I need in a calm, polite, as- a – matter- of -fact way, because that is just what I want and need. 

For all that to happen, I have to start taking myself seriously from now on. For the time I have left in my life ahead, I want to truly live it and go for it, because I am worth it. I am worth my own while to live it. 

Maybe that is what the true purpose of life truly is. 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, my dear Readers. And thanks for reading.

Namaste.

Self Wonder x

Things that I cannot tell you …

…I just have to write them here.

I know I have asked many times recently, if you care about me, our “relationship”, if you actually love me. Etc. Etc. Yes, and you said, I have said it many times and I haven’t changed, you have. To that I admit, yes I did back off quite a bit. And you asked me why, you said I never explain it. I replied I don’t know why… Then I have to keep asking what you want and you just keep telling me to be consistent and think about what I actually want in this…

Now I do know why. I know exactly what happened after you came back.

I lost that vibe with you. Someone else came around. I wasn’t sure about us. I was so stressed with my work that I was completely lost in it. I started to wonder what it was all about. I went away for a few days, and I found myself. In the three days of doing absolutely nothing, no contact with work and you and everyone else, I was rested,  content and serene. I found out I didn’t need anyone. I started to take care of myself. I started to understand myself. I started to truly love myself and accept the way I was, who I really was all along. Nothing in this materialistic world mattered (if ever), no one in this world could give me more love and comfort than I could to myself. I didn’t have to prove my worth with what I could do for others. I didn’t have to be always responsible for others. I had to be responsible to myself first and foremost. I had to take care and love myself first before others. I was liberated, just in those three days.

Okay, that was not entirely true. After I came back, I did a lot of soul searching. I escaped from the normality once a week, to stay away from work and the crowd, to be in touch with the nature, the water, and myself. I was reading fervently, trying to ask questions and understand deeper and deeper about life and my inner self. I was reading, thinking, analyzing, questioning, pondering, feeling, crying, walking, sitting, lying, bathing, swimming, eating, drinking, staying in silence, in the dark…completely alone.

I wanted to spend more time alone, therefore less time with you. I don’t think you understood that at all, why I was hiding from everyone on my day offs. I wanted to have a clear mind. I was also perhaps depressed, and I didn’t want to affect anyone. I knew no one could help me with my questions and my quest, so I stayed alone answering myself at the same time recharging and rejuvenating myself. I was slowly regaining strength and youth back. I looked much more alive and younger. I was getting happier without buying things or achieving more at work. In fact, I started to declutter my place, and see the significant difference in how I felt with more space around me. I needed so much space physically and mentally. I loved that feeling very much.

But I started to question if that would affect my work, which I left unattended after clocking it in basically (as opposed to putting more hours and effort after hours which I had been doing all along). I started to feel maybe this was not that important after all, nothing was that important after all, we were just here for an instant of a lifetime no? Who cared about success and purpose and legacy etc? I could live a very simple life anyway.

I also didn’t care to have a romantic relationship anymore. People changed too easily, unlike the old days, they were so committed to each other, for better or worse to the fact. Nowadays, people can just leave so easily, divorce is nothing new. Then why do we still care about having a “long term relationship” with anyone? Isn’t monogamy a joke? It’s in fact more of a serial monogamy, and if that’s the case (it is for most people), why don’t we have polygamy, polyamory, or open relationship? And maybe stating with a woman is better since men are from Mars and women Venus and they seem to never understand each other anyway? I started to question all of that as well.

I just feel tired of having a relationship. I don’t understand what it is for anymore. Maybe I had too much bad experience in the past that I have lost hope in men/people for that matter (not that I was ever involved with a woman romantically, you know I would admit if I did). Deep down I do not trust anyone. I cannot even trust myself. And if I were you, I wouldn’t have a relationship with me. So what is this all about? I shall be glad if anyone could answer my questions. And I am seriously thinking about celibacy, so that I can focus on gaining knowledge and building my work.

Thoughts anyone?

“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.

I Remember.

The time we had in bed was most beautiful.

It was not just because we were in the act of it.

It was the way you concentrated fully on me. The only time you ever put your whole focus on me. Or least in the act with me.

I could feel your full presence. The only moment, and the most precious moment we had together. I had the whole you with me. And that was most beautiful.

I wish we had more of it. But, still, those moments were truly sensational. Maybe it was just me who felt so much about everything, and you did not even care about it. But, still, they were splendid. For that I must thank you. And I certainly hope you enjoyed them too. Or at least felt something. Something that slightly touched your heart, which is so capable of ….

And I hope you are happy. Go for it, you need it. Find someone else to be happy with, and to …. (I might not be the one whom you thought worth your while to …. but surely there would be someone you could find to do so)

I would recommend you read a book by Osho, called “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. Truly beautiful and insightful book. What a human being Osho was. How intelligent and funny at the same time.

I do still remember…