…I just have to write them here.
I know I have asked many times recently, if you care about me, our “relationship”, if you actually love me. Etc. Etc. Yes, and you said, I have said it many times and I haven’t changed, you have. To that I admit, yes I did back off quite a bit. And you asked me why, you said I never explain it. I replied I don’t know why… Then I have to keep asking what you want and you just keep telling me to be consistent and think about what I actually want in this…
Now I do know why. I know exactly what happened after you came back.
I lost that vibe with you. Someone else came around. I wasn’t sure about us. I was so stressed with my work that I was completely lost in it. I started to wonder what it was all about. I went away for a few days, and I found myself. In the three days of doing absolutely nothing, no contact with work and you and everyone else, I was rested, content and serene. I found out I didn’t need anyone. I started to take care of myself. I started to understand myself. I started to truly love myself and accept the way I was, who I really was all along. Nothing in this materialistic world mattered (if ever), no one in this world could give me more love and comfort than I could to myself. I didn’t have to prove my worth with what I could do for others. I didn’t have to be always responsible for others. I had to be responsible to myself first and foremost. I had to take care and love myself first before others. I was liberated, just in those three days.
Okay, that was not entirely true. After I came back, I did a lot of soul searching. I escaped from the normality once a week, to stay away from work and the crowd, to be in touch with the nature, the water, and myself. I was reading fervently, trying to ask questions and understand deeper and deeper about life and my inner self. I was reading, thinking, analyzing, questioning, pondering, feeling, crying, walking, sitting, lying, bathing, swimming, eating, drinking, staying in silence, in the dark…completely alone.
I wanted to spend more time alone, therefore less time with you. I don’t think you understood that at all, why I was hiding from everyone on my day offs. I wanted to have a clear mind. I was also perhaps depressed, and I didn’t want to affect anyone. I knew no one could help me with my questions and my quest, so I stayed alone answering myself at the same time recharging and rejuvenating myself. I was slowly regaining strength and youth back. I looked much more alive and younger. I was getting happier without buying things or achieving more at work. In fact, I started to declutter my place, and see the significant difference in how I felt with more space around me. I needed so much space physically and mentally. I loved that feeling very much.
But I started to question if that would affect my work, which I left unattended after clocking it in basically (as opposed to putting more hours and effort after hours which I had been doing all along). I started to feel maybe this was not that important after all, nothing was that important after all, we were just here for an instant of a lifetime no? Who cared about success and purpose and legacy etc? I could live a very simple life anyway.
I also didn’t care to have a romantic relationship anymore. People changed too easily, unlike the old days, they were so committed to each other, for better or worse to the fact. Nowadays, people can just leave so easily, divorce is nothing new. Then why do we still care about having a “long term relationship” with anyone? Isn’t monogamy a joke? It’s in fact more of a serial monogamy, and if that’s the case (it is for most people), why don’t we have polygamy, polyamory, or open relationship? And maybe stating with a woman is better since men are from Mars and women Venus and they seem to never understand each other anyway? I started to question all of that as well.
I just feel tired of having a relationship. I don’t understand what it is for anymore. Maybe I had too much bad experience in the past that I have lost hope in men/people for that matter (not that I was ever involved with a woman romantically, you know I would admit if I did). Deep down I do not trust anyone. I cannot even trust myself. And if I were you, I wouldn’t have a relationship with me. So what is this all about? I shall be glad if anyone could answer my questions. And I am seriously thinking about celibacy, so that I can focus on gaining knowledge and building my work.
Thoughts anyone?
Self Wonder x
Self Wonder 