Metta matters

I often ask myself if I am contributing to better the humanity in the best way possible, the way I can and am supposed to. Am I putting my best effort and my talent/ability to do what I can do? And what exactly is it that I should be doing? Is what I am doing what I should be doing?

Often I am confused. A lot of the times I am not sure. 

Maybe there is no one answer or one truth. Maybe there are more than one path that leads to the answer. Maybe there is no answer at all. Or maybe, when I feel I am doing something right I would know that’s the answer.

I hope to contribute to restore humanity. One thing I do is to be kind to everyone I encounter, stranger or friend or student or parent. Another is to stay positive and spread positive messages across to uplift people’s souls, I think it’s important and particularly useful for those who just have a bad day/time – who doesn’t once in a while? They just need to be reminded that there is hope at the end of that tunnel, however dark or long it seems at times. We need to give each other compassion and hope. And above all, love. Metta – loving kindness. 

Namaste. 

I am worth my own while.

 

I might have told you many times that I loved Christmas. It is true that I love it so much more than any other holiday seasons throughout the year. Christmas is a time when family – the whole family, the extended families and all – comes together and celebrate. For me, it is not about celebrating Christmas, it is about celebrating Family. Family is about love, sharing, and caring for one another. Family is precious. Perhaps because I never had what I really wanted in a family, it is for me a very special at the same time unavoidably sensitive and emotional topic.

The first morning when I woke up in a foreign country for my Christmas holiday, I had this revelation: I never took myself seriously enough. What I mean is, I never took myself seriously enough for joy and love. I never loved myself and took care of myself seriously. I thought it was not necessary to be comfortable, to ask for what I wanted and go for it. I never took myself seriously enough to try to find someone who was serious enough to love me and be loved by me seriously. Or friends who were worth my while to maintain a true Friendship with. Or go for my passion for what was truly worth my while to fight for and stick with it. I doubted it at the first sign of failure. I left when I felt hurt and that I might not be good/talented enough for the person/my passion. In short, I gave up too easily because I was not sure if it was worth it. 

But this morning, I understood, I AM WORTH IT. I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness and success in my life. And no one is going to take me seriously if I do not take myself seriously enough in the first place. And for what it is worth, it means from being in a relationship with a friend, to a staff, to a student, to a family member and to a life partner. I did not have the ability or feel I had the worth to ask for what I truly wanted from others because I never took myself seriously enough for others to see what I was truly worth for. And when I say what I was truly worth for, it does not mean in a monetary value. It means I have to honestly display who I am and what I want and ask for the kind of respect I need in a calm, polite, as- a – matter- of -fact way, because that is just what I want and need. 

For all that to happen, I have to start taking myself seriously from now on. For the time I have left in my life ahead, I want to truly live it and go for it, because I am worth it. I am worth my own while to live it. 

Maybe that is what the true purpose of life truly is. 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, my dear Readers. And thanks for reading.

Namaste.

Self Wonder x

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx