“Where do you want to be in five years?”

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

It is a decent legitimate question, and a question that I ask myself from time to time, often replacing the number “five” with “three” or “ten”.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that, the question I should ask myself is, 

“Where do I want to be in my life years?”

The question is not about three or five or ten years anymore. It is about the lifetime, the lifetime ahead that is left for me. 

The direction for that answer becomes completely different. 

It is not with whom I want to be right now. It is with whom I want to be for my life, the person who would add value and color to my life, which would become bigger, brighter and with more substance. 

It is not with whom I can have fun right now, rather it is the person with whom I can have long term fun and adventure with. 

It is not what I can do to make a living right now, but, the kind of work I can make good living and at the same time spend my life adding value to and feeling joy with myself and others.

It is not where I want to be for five years anymore, rather, it is a space and a community in which I can be the person I want to be, with that person I can be with, and that work I can do in the long run. 

It is not the life I want to be in for now, but the lifestyle I can live with freely, joyfully, positively and with the least restraint and constraint I can have. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this if any.

With gratitude,

Self Wonder

I am worth my own while.

 

I might have told you many times that I loved Christmas. It is true that I love it so much more than any other holiday seasons throughout the year. Christmas is a time when family – the whole family, the extended families and all – comes together and celebrate. For me, it is not about celebrating Christmas, it is about celebrating Family. Family is about love, sharing, and caring for one another. Family is precious. Perhaps because I never had what I really wanted in a family, it is for me a very special at the same time unavoidably sensitive and emotional topic.

The first morning when I woke up in a foreign country for my Christmas holiday, I had this revelation: I never took myself seriously enough. What I mean is, I never took myself seriously enough for joy and love. I never loved myself and took care of myself seriously. I thought it was not necessary to be comfortable, to ask for what I wanted and go for it. I never took myself seriously enough to try to find someone who was serious enough to love me and be loved by me seriously. Or friends who were worth my while to maintain a true Friendship with. Or go for my passion for what was truly worth my while to fight for and stick with it. I doubted it at the first sign of failure. I left when I felt hurt and that I might not be good/talented enough for the person/my passion. In short, I gave up too easily because I was not sure if it was worth it. 

But this morning, I understood, I AM WORTH IT. I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness and success in my life. And no one is going to take me seriously if I do not take myself seriously enough in the first place. And for what it is worth, it means from being in a relationship with a friend, to a staff, to a student, to a family member and to a life partner. I did not have the ability or feel I had the worth to ask for what I truly wanted from others because I never took myself seriously enough for others to see what I was truly worth for. And when I say what I was truly worth for, it does not mean in a monetary value. It means I have to honestly display who I am and what I want and ask for the kind of respect I need in a calm, polite, as- a – matter- of -fact way, because that is just what I want and need. 

For all that to happen, I have to start taking myself seriously from now on. For the time I have left in my life ahead, I want to truly live it and go for it, because I am worth it. I am worth my own while to live it. 

Maybe that is what the true purpose of life truly is. 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, my dear Readers. And thanks for reading.

Namaste.

Self Wonder x

I am glad I was abused.

I was trashed to the bottom.

I was called “stupid”, I was told “worthless”, I thought I was ugly.

For the longest time I thought I really was good for nothing and no one, not even for myself.

Who the hell was I? I was nobody. Even later in my life people had been telling me how great I was, I didn’t believe in them.

Because I didn’t believe in ME.

With years of working with myself, working through the past, understanding how I really was, I knew, I knew I was great.

Yet, sometimes, I went back to thinking, hmm maybe I was not.

But not anymore now. I am done.

And I am truly glad that I had a horrible scarred past.

I am glad that I was abused and hurt deeply.

You know why?

Because, what didn’t kill me did make me stronger.

I have done my work with my past.

I have become increasingly resilient.

I bounce back quicker and quicker from downfall.

I shut down enemies’ unsubstantiated attack , fake friends’ deceitful concern, and liars’ tempting lures.

I know my worth, my strength, my ability, and my purpose.

If you are at the state of self-doubt/lost/unsure of yourself, your life or your purpose, watch this movie. I am sure you are not as bad as where she was.

Ok, maybe you are not as intelligent as she is, or you don’t want to go to Harvard (!), but you know, you have been given LIFE, and what it will turn out from now on is up to YOU. And you are the one who can make a GREAT LIFE ahead. There is plenty of TIME for you to live a purposeful, wonderful life for YOURSELF.

So please, again, watch the whole movie. Have some patience to watch through especially the beginning, which is a little slow, but important, as you can have (if only) a little taste of what she had gone through in her childhood.

I hope to be as resilient as Liz is.

Peace, people,

Self Wonder x

 

(“) True Love (“)

Yes, sorry but I am being cheesy tonight.

I just watched this beautiful movie called “Love, Rosie”. I mean, I am sure I’ve heard of this film a while ago, and I was going to see it (I think it’s more like my dear Mom asked me to go see it with her!). But somehow, I (and my dear Mom) did not watch it.

Tonight, as I was getting a little moody on my own, I watched it online. And it was thought-provoking to say the least.

I get it. When you met someone when you were younger, how did you know if he or she would be the one already? I mean, at the tender age of freaking five?? Consider yourself lucky ! But then you really would have no idea whatsoever. And when that person had become your best friend ever, the last thing you wanted to do would be to ruin it with what, sudden infatuation and lust? No way!

But then life moved on, time drifted by. Girl met another boy(s), boy met another girl(s). They never met again at the right time and the right place. I do think that happens to people, perhaps even more than one imagines.

After watching this movie though (go figure about the ending if you haven’t watched it), I start to wonder, perhaps I should not (or never) give up/give in to finding that person. In fact, I have the most outrageous experience and feelings recently even I could not believe it would ever happen to me again. I mean, I didn’t think I could feel like that ever again, or if I had ever felt so strongly about someone before. Amazing… Maybe all hopes are not lost after all.

Self Wonder x

An Imaginary Ad for What I want

When I think about people/relationship/attitude/situation, I always start with what I don’t want, and most likely just stop there.

Today I want to try writing down things that I want.

So here you go.

I want:

1. A Life with Purpose

Yes I would like to think it does matter. Certainly one can live just to pass the days, but for me it just seems to be boring and meaningless. And by having a purpose I don’t mean you have to have a crazy ambitious goal like becoming the new CEO of Google (btw the new one seems pretty awesome), but if you want to that’s also great! You might want to be a loving partner /friend /parent, be responsible for your work, have a cause to protect the environment/animals, advocate gay rights/women rights, become a great writer/spiritual leader/Hollywood star… I mean the choices there are endless! You just have to pick a cause and try hard at it. Give it a go. Give yourself a chance.

So I guess the next is –

2. A Life with Courage

I don’t want to live in fear -whether it be fear of failure /embarrassment /getting hurt physically or emotionally /losing something or someone – anymore. Life is worth taking a risk. In fact, a life well lived depends on it. Your life is worth that risk you are dying to take. Try it. Maybe it’s something for fun, some project at work, someone you fancy, someone you miss/want to make up with. Just go for it/him/her already! Nothing to lose really. But if you miss that chance you have right now, you really might not get it back (trust me on this one, you most likely don’t, ever, again, scary isn’t it). Try it and you can leave it all behind if it didn’t work out at the end, knowing that you have tried it would certainly make you feel good with a smile on your face when you think about it 🙂

3. A Life with Adventure

I want to take more risk. Have more fun. Meet new friends. Travel new places. Try new cuisines. Listen to new music. Have new experience, big or small. I just want my life to be awesome and full of interesting experiences and stories to tell later on, to my readers at least! And have something of reminiscent quality for my older self when I am in my 70s hahaha.

4. A Life with Love
Ok, I am guilty at fault about such topic in the department of romantic love. But hey, I am also talking about self-love which is of the utmost importance! Then it’s family love, friends’ love, and for me, I don’t know how to put it, but let’s just say community love- a love that is connected through a cause, a belief in something, a love in something that is of tremendous importance to me and the people concerned, and with that we create love among us.

And of course, love for music and arts. Love for freedom and creativity. Love for free thinking and writing. Love for the nature, the sky, ocean, trees, butterflies and cats haha. They are all so beautiful.

Now suddenly I can see and feel, I have a wonderful life living already and ahead. You see, it’s always good to write it all out and share with others. Because when you are generous with beautiful,
positive and encouraging thoughts to others in words (written or spoken), you always, and I say always, receive something back, maybe even more you can imagine.

Peace. Namaste.
Self Wonder x

Thank you for your support, my dear.

I like what you wrote to me the other day.

“I am not just in for the good times. I am on for the bad times too.”

I was truly touched. Really, I mean, I just thought, I must be of value to someone in order for people to stay around. At least that was how I was brought up to believe. And even though I seem to have broken myself away from my past, it still tries to haunt me somehow, from very very far away.

I knew you had been good to me, but I did not think you would say that to me.

Now I know, even no one is around, I know you are there for me. Because you are in this with me. I am not alone here 🙂

Self Wonder x

Happy First Anniversary, Darling.

It’s been a heck of a journey. A heck of a journey.

For a lifetime. For a year.

For a year. For a lifetime.

Suddenly tonight, I realized something.

In the middle of the night, in complete darkness, having my headphone on, listening to this meditation music supposedly for deep sleep, I felt something inside. Something joyful. Something profound. Something deeply moving. Something emotional. I cried – no, literally sobbed in the middle of the night, in complete darkness.

I felt something so strong inside. I felt someone’s pain. I felt I must have done something to this person long time ago. I must have hurt his feeling. Then others. She, he, them. I felt awful. Why did I do that to them? I did not do that deliberately. But I did anyway. I had hurt them without even realizing it that time. And some I probably would never see again in my life, ever. I felt pain this time, my pain.

I have decided. I do not want to hurt anyone anymore. I need to deliberately be cautious in being nice to everyone, especially those who are close to me, to whom I might be worse to, which is horrible from me. How can I be such an evil person?
Perhaps that’s the real reason to my choice of celibacy recently.

I am not sure how long this choice is going to last. But it would last as long as it needs to. It has been an interesting ride so far. Yet in my crying just now, I felt, I was ready, to receive my soulmate. Did I just write “soulmate”? My friend was using this crazy word the other night, with a tone so unconvincing yet wanting. I think he might just wonder about it here and there.

I just feel I am ready to receive any challenge my new life will give me. I shall not live in fear anymore, including love. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Namaste. Peace.

SelfWonder x

Long-Term Happiness

Suddenly everything changes.

“Long-term happiness”– this phrase popped up in my head as I was lying in bed in complete darkness and that’s it.

The whole mindset just shifted.

All of a sudden I see things much clearer than I ever did. I have been seeing things much clearer and clearer these days, cleaning out the clutter, stopping doing the unnecessary things that I did and meeting the unnecessary people whom I interacted.

Of course I cannot just stop every single thing but as I clear out bits and pieces I am feeling much better about the present as well as the future. My head has never been so clean inside.

When I think about long-term happiness, I realize a lot of things that bother me right now would not matter any more after 10 years. And same for the people. Such a marvelous feeling to have when one has a clear mind like this. I am most glad I have an epiphany in the middle of the night lying in bed in the dark doing nothing. I suppose the great ideas always come when I least expect them. Hopefully so do people.

I hope you all have a great weekend ahead,

Self Wonder x

What a beautiful day!

I Remember.

The time we had in bed was most beautiful.

It was not just because we were in the act of it.

It was the way you concentrated fully on me. The only time you ever put your whole focus on me. Or least in the act with me.

I could feel your full presence. The only moment, and the most precious moment we had together. I had the whole you with me. And that was most beautiful.

I wish we had more of it. But, still, those moments were truly sensational. Maybe it was just me who felt so much about everything, and you did not even care about it. But, still, they were splendid. For that I must thank you. And I certainly hope you enjoyed them too. Or at least felt something. Something that slightly touched your heart, which is so capable of ….

And I hope you are happy. Go for it, you need it. Find someone else to be happy with, and to …. (I might not be the one whom you thought worth your while to …. but surely there would be someone you could find to do so)

I would recommend you read a book by Osho, called “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. Truly beautiful and insightful book. What a human being Osho was. How intelligent and funny at the same time.

I do still remember…

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.