Metta matters

I often ask myself if I am contributing to better the humanity in the best way possible, the way I can and am supposed to. Am I putting my best effort and my talent/ability to do what I can do? And what exactly is it that I should be doing? Is what I am doing what I should be doing?

Often I am confused. A lot of the times I am not sure. 

Maybe there is no one answer or one truth. Maybe there are more than one path that leads to the answer. Maybe there is no answer at all. Or maybe, when I feel I am doing something right I would know that’s the answer.

I hope to contribute to restore humanity. One thing I do is to be kind to everyone I encounter, stranger or friend or student or parent. Another is to stay positive and spread positive messages across to uplift people’s souls, I think it’s important and particularly useful for those who just have a bad day/time – who doesn’t once in a while? They just need to be reminded that there is hope at the end of that tunnel, however dark or long it seems at times. We need to give each other compassion and hope. And above all, love. Metta – loving kindness. 

Namaste. 

Love is love is love

Love is love is love

Love is inexplicable. 

You love a song, a book, a hobby, a place, a person. 

Yes you can explain in great details why you love them, the most technical analytical way.

But at the end of the day, it all comes down to the feeling, the sensation inside your body they have given you. the chill and the joy you feel when you think about them or best,  experience them. 

There is this exhilarating joy you don’t even know where it comes from. But you feel it and it is real to you. You don’t even know how to describe it exactly to anyone else, but certainly those who have experienced that feeling would understand it in their own way.

There is also this true sense of pure contentment about life. You feel complete and whole. You feel life is so great, and you are invincible. You never feel so alive before. Now you know how to live for the first time.

You find love is real, even the finding seems unreal to you. You live in a paradise right now you never knew it existed.

Suddenly everything is perfect and nothing can get to you. You are just so happy and content you don’t even bother to have a small cringe on your face. You just can’t.

Your mouth is in the constant state of curling up. Somehow it doesn’t know how to curl down at its two corners anymore. You are simply too happy to do so.

Your heart is pure and its in its right place. It’s calm and it’s passionate and its full and its clear. Mostly it’s beating as hard as it has ever been. It’s alive!

Love is love is love is love is love.  It is explicable and it is inexplicable.

Namaste.

SelfWonder

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

It is a decent legitimate question, and a question that I ask myself from time to time, often replacing the number “five” with “three” or “ten”.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that, the question I should ask myself is, 

“Where do I want to be in my life years?”

The question is not about three or five or ten years anymore. It is about the lifetime, the lifetime ahead that is left for me. 

The direction for that answer becomes completely different. 

It is not with whom I want to be right now. It is with whom I want to be for my life, the person who would add value and color to my life, which would become bigger, brighter and with more substance. 

It is not with whom I can have fun right now, rather it is the person with whom I can have long term fun and adventure with. 

It is not what I can do to make a living right now, but, the kind of work I can make good living and at the same time spend my life adding value to and feeling joy with myself and others.

It is not where I want to be for five years anymore, rather, it is a space and a community in which I can be the person I want to be, with that person I can be with, and that work I can do in the long run. 

It is not the life I want to be in for now, but the lifestyle I can live with freely, joyfully, positively and with the least restraint and constraint I can have. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this if any.

With gratitude,

Self Wonder

I am worth my own while.

 

I might have told you many times that I loved Christmas. It is true that I love it so much more than any other holiday seasons throughout the year. Christmas is a time when family – the whole family, the extended families and all – comes together and celebrate. For me, it is not about celebrating Christmas, it is about celebrating Family. Family is about love, sharing, and caring for one another. Family is precious. Perhaps because I never had what I really wanted in a family, it is for me a very special at the same time unavoidably sensitive and emotional topic.

The first morning when I woke up in a foreign country for my Christmas holiday, I had this revelation: I never took myself seriously enough. What I mean is, I never took myself seriously enough for joy and love. I never loved myself and took care of myself seriously. I thought it was not necessary to be comfortable, to ask for what I wanted and go for it. I never took myself seriously enough to try to find someone who was serious enough to love me and be loved by me seriously. Or friends who were worth my while to maintain a true Friendship with. Or go for my passion for what was truly worth my while to fight for and stick with it. I doubted it at the first sign of failure. I left when I felt hurt and that I might not be good/talented enough for the person/my passion. In short, I gave up too easily because I was not sure if it was worth it. 

But this morning, I understood, I AM WORTH IT. I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness and success in my life. And no one is going to take me seriously if I do not take myself seriously enough in the first place. And for what it is worth, it means from being in a relationship with a friend, to a staff, to a student, to a family member and to a life partner. I did not have the ability or feel I had the worth to ask for what I truly wanted from others because I never took myself seriously enough for others to see what I was truly worth for. And when I say what I was truly worth for, it does not mean in a monetary value. It means I have to honestly display who I am and what I want and ask for the kind of respect I need in a calm, polite, as- a – matter- of -fact way, because that is just what I want and need. 

For all that to happen, I have to start taking myself seriously from now on. For the time I have left in my life ahead, I want to truly live it and go for it, because I am worth it. I am worth my own while to live it. 

Maybe that is what the true purpose of life truly is. 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, my dear Readers. And thanks for reading.

Namaste.

Self Wonder x

I am glad I was abused.

I was trashed to the bottom.

I was called “stupid”, I was told “worthless”, I thought I was ugly.

For the longest time I thought I really was good for nothing and no one, not even for myself.

Who the hell was I? I was nobody. Even later in my life people had been telling me how great I was, I didn’t believe in them.

Because I didn’t believe in ME.

With years of working with myself, working through the past, understanding how I really was, I knew, I knew I was great.

Yet, sometimes, I went back to thinking, hmm maybe I was not.

But not anymore now. I am done.

And I am truly glad that I had a horrible scarred past.

I am glad that I was abused and hurt deeply.

You know why?

Because, what didn’t kill me did make me stronger.

I have done my work with my past.

I have become increasingly resilient.

I bounce back quicker and quicker from downfall.

I shut down enemies’ unsubstantiated attack , fake friends’ deceitful concern, and liars’ tempting lures.

I know my worth, my strength, my ability, and my purpose.

If you are at the state of self-doubt/lost/unsure of yourself, your life or your purpose, watch this movie. I am sure you are not as bad as where she was.

Ok, maybe you are not as intelligent as she is, or you don’t want to go to Harvard (!), but you know, you have been given LIFE, and what it will turn out from now on is up to YOU. And you are the one who can make a GREAT LIFE ahead. There is plenty of TIME for you to live a purposeful, wonderful life for YOURSELF.

So please, again, watch the whole movie. Have some patience to watch through especially the beginning, which is a little slow, but important, as you can have (if only) a little taste of what she had gone through in her childhood.

I hope to be as resilient as Liz is.

Peace, people,

Self Wonder x

 

Hello! Grandma and Bear :)

Today I went out to meet a friend for lunch (it rarely happened to me because I was always busy at lunch hour).

On my way to meet my friend I passed by a shop. And you know what I found! This!

I could not believe my eyes. There is actually an other strangely color-coded bear, this one being designed by a famous fashion brand, as compared to the one I had, a stuff fluffy one and much bigger one instead, probably made by an unknown local brand. How old they both had this weird color combination. And mine had even three green buttons over its belly, which was most likely white but I could not remember for sure.

I was amazed. Finally I found it by accident, and in a highly unlikely place and situation. But this one was very plasticky and tiny. It was a USB. You could pull it out from the bear’s head. And you could also wear it as a necklace (a golden chain was attached to the top of the bear obviously).

But hey. My bear had been reincarnated so to speak. And it reminded of my Grandma obviously, who bought me the odd-color-combo stuffed animal bear one night when we were out for dinner. I was probably 7 or 8, or even younger. It was the last thing she had ever left me. And one day my Dad just threw it away for his own righteous reason.

Tonight as I was meditating, I saw my Grandma holding the Pink Bear. She and Bear were standing on top of this white marble staircase, looking down smiling at me. She said, “we are alright here. Your bear is safe with me. You can come here anytime and talk with us.”

I was so happy. Now I knew where to find my wonderful Grandma. And my Bear.

Long-Term Happiness

Suddenly everything changes.

“Long-term happiness”– this phrase popped up in my head as I was lying in bed in complete darkness and that’s it.

The whole mindset just shifted.

All of a sudden I see things much clearer than I ever did. I have been seeing things much clearer and clearer these days, cleaning out the clutter, stopping doing the unnecessary things that I did and meeting the unnecessary people whom I interacted.

Of course I cannot just stop every single thing but as I clear out bits and pieces I am feeling much better about the present as well as the future. My head has never been so clean inside.

When I think about long-term happiness, I realize a lot of things that bother me right now would not matter any more after 10 years. And same for the people. Such a marvelous feeling to have when one has a clear mind like this. I am most glad I have an epiphany in the middle of the night lying in bed in the dark doing nothing. I suppose the great ideas always come when I least expect them. Hopefully so do people.

I hope you all have a great weekend ahead,

Self Wonder x

What a beautiful day!

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx