Metta matters

I often ask myself if I am contributing to better the humanity in the best way possible, the way I can and am supposed to. Am I putting my best effort and my talent/ability to do what I can do? And what exactly is it that I should be doing? Is what I am doing what I should be doing?

Often I am confused. A lot of the times I am not sure. 

Maybe there is no one answer or one truth. Maybe there are more than one path that leads to the answer. Maybe there is no answer at all. Or maybe, when I feel I am doing something right I would know that’s the answer.

I hope to contribute to restore humanity. One thing I do is to be kind to everyone I encounter, stranger or friend or student or parent. Another is to stay positive and spread positive messages across to uplift people’s souls, I think it’s important and particularly useful for those who just have a bad day/time – who doesn’t once in a while? They just need to be reminded that there is hope at the end of that tunnel, however dark or long it seems at times. We need to give each other compassion and hope. And above all, love. Metta – loving kindness. 

Namaste. 

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

It is a decent legitimate question, and a question that I ask myself from time to time, often replacing the number “five” with “three” or “ten”.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that, the question I should ask myself is, 

“Where do I want to be in my life years?”

The question is not about three or five or ten years anymore. It is about the lifetime, the lifetime ahead that is left for me. 

The direction for that answer becomes completely different. 

It is not with whom I want to be right now. It is with whom I want to be for my life, the person who would add value and color to my life, which would become bigger, brighter and with more substance. 

It is not with whom I can have fun right now, rather it is the person with whom I can have long term fun and adventure with. 

It is not what I can do to make a living right now, but, the kind of work I can make good living and at the same time spend my life adding value to and feeling joy with myself and others.

It is not where I want to be for five years anymore, rather, it is a space and a community in which I can be the person I want to be, with that person I can be with, and that work I can do in the long run. 

It is not the life I want to be in for now, but the lifestyle I can live with freely, joyfully, positively and with the least restraint and constraint I can have. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this if any.

With gratitude,

Self Wonder

Hello! Grandma and Bear :)

Today I went out to meet a friend for lunch (it rarely happened to me because I was always busy at lunch hour).

On my way to meet my friend I passed by a shop. And you know what I found! This!

I could not believe my eyes. There is actually an other strangely color-coded bear, this one being designed by a famous fashion brand, as compared to the one I had, a stuff fluffy one and much bigger one instead, probably made by an unknown local brand. How old they both had this weird color combination. And mine had even three green buttons over its belly, which was most likely white but I could not remember for sure.

I was amazed. Finally I found it by accident, and in a highly unlikely place and situation. But this one was very plasticky and tiny. It was a USB. You could pull it out from the bear’s head. And you could also wear it as a necklace (a golden chain was attached to the top of the bear obviously).

But hey. My bear had been reincarnated so to speak. And it reminded of my Grandma obviously, who bought me the odd-color-combo stuffed animal bear one night when we were out for dinner. I was probably 7 or 8, or even younger. It was the last thing she had ever left me. And one day my Dad just threw it away for his own righteous reason.

Tonight as I was meditating, I saw my Grandma holding the Pink Bear. She and Bear were standing on top of this white marble staircase, looking down smiling at me. She said, “we are alright here. Your bear is safe with me. You can come here anytime and talk with us.”

I was so happy. Now I knew where to find my wonderful Grandma. And my Bear.

Long-Term Happiness

Suddenly everything changes.

“Long-term happiness”– this phrase popped up in my head as I was lying in bed in complete darkness and that’s it.

The whole mindset just shifted.

All of a sudden I see things much clearer than I ever did. I have been seeing things much clearer and clearer these days, cleaning out the clutter, stopping doing the unnecessary things that I did and meeting the unnecessary people whom I interacted.

Of course I cannot just stop every single thing but as I clear out bits and pieces I am feeling much better about the present as well as the future. My head has never been so clean inside.

When I think about long-term happiness, I realize a lot of things that bother me right now would not matter any more after 10 years. And same for the people. Such a marvelous feeling to have when one has a clear mind like this. I am most glad I have an epiphany in the middle of the night lying in bed in the dark doing nothing. I suppose the great ideas always come when I least expect them. Hopefully so do people.

I hope you all have a great weekend ahead,

Self Wonder x

What a beautiful day!

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx

Overcoming Fear

Perhaps I have not been grateful enough.

I always ask, when things don’t go smoothly as I want to, “Why me?? Why do I always have to suffer?” I would feel the whole world has conspired to fight against me.

I guess I have been too narcissistic. Too much ego. Who cares so much about me anyway?

And I always say I am here in this world to help others. Sounds very cathartic, doesn’t it?

I still think that’s my life purpose, to serve and inspire others. But, I come to realize, if I don’t start taking better care of myself, I won’t be able to fully utilize my talent to live up to the life purpose I aspire to.

So, starting from today, I learn to love and take care of myself more. I start to understand and address my emotion first before others. I need to be able to truly express how I feel about things and people without the fear that I might not be accepted. I want to be living mindfully every single day, remembering all the great things and people I have in life without too much worry about tomorrow whether I continue to have them or not.

Thank you Thay for your words. You truly inspire me. What a great master in life and writing. I think I really need to study my French harder in order to understand all his talks.

But for now, I will finish this book first 🙂

Try it. It’s fun and inspiring !

Take a break and keep going.

Sometimes. Life is hard. We stumble. We fall. We fail. We cry. We sleep. We lay awake. But, we have to continue. Because, if you stop, there will be nothing else tomorrow. Besides, you never know what lies ahead. And it can be something absolutely beautiful and amazing.

Keep going. You never know what lies ahead.

“I am Proud of You.”

I’ve been waiting for my whole life. To hear that line.

To feel, to understand, to be appreciated.

Sometimes I feel, I don’t need it. I don’t need anyone’s approval.

What am I, a four-year-old child? A pet?

At times I feel, I don’t need anyone anymore. I can live off on a remote island, in the countryside alone, or some monastery, being religious, devoted fully to God and all.

But I also understand, I need connection.

I, however tough that I am, however independent that I am, I, do need people.

People to love, people to be in love with, people to love one another.

That is what life is worth living for.

We all, need that connection in life.

No one is an island.

So, no matter where you are, how you are doing, what situation you are in, how you are feeling.

I want you to know, that I, am absolutely proud of you.

I am proud of who you are, what you have gone through and still are staying strong.

I am proud of you, even at times you feel you cannot keep going on, you still try to hang in there, that even you might numb yourself at night with whatever means you get to and are comfortable with, you still wake up in the next morning/day, try to be someone, try to make something of yourself. You still try to work hard and be the best for those around you, especially for those you are close to. Because you know, deep inside, you want to show them that you care about them, that they would still stand up every day and try to make the best out of themselves no matter how tough the situation they are in.

It’s called “pay it forward.”

Because, when you try to be tough and caring for someone else, you also gain another day to live.

Helping others helps yourself. It’s that simple.

So today, get out there, and help others. Focus on other people, especially when you feel like you can’t keep going on.

When you focus on helping others, you feel good. And then you understand, even when you feel you are absolutely helpless/worthless, you, are enough. You are important to others. And you know that deep inside you. You only need to be reminded. By focusing on others.

So today, no matter how terrible you got knocked down yesterday. You get back up. And you go out there, and be who you want to be.

Because you my Friend, are worth it.

And I your Friend, am proud of you. Absolutely, 100% proud of you.

Peace out. Namaste.

Be good to yourself. Be proud. And be strong.

What matters most…

Everyday is the day to make that change, to become the person you always want to be.

The day is today.

Seize every chance you get. Take it. And do it.

Make every minute count. Live every day as if it’s the last day of your life. You don’t know how long your life would last. Don’t leave anything undone and any words unsaid.

The moment is now.

Make it happen.

Do it now. Say it now.

Make it NOW.