“Where do you want to be in five years?”

“Where do you want to be in five years?”

It is a decent legitimate question, and a question that I ask myself from time to time, often replacing the number “five” with “three” or “ten”.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that, the question I should ask myself is, 

“Where do I want to be in my life years?”

The question is not about three or five or ten years anymore. It is about the lifetime, the lifetime ahead that is left for me. 

The direction for that answer becomes completely different. 

It is not with whom I want to be right now. It is with whom I want to be for my life, the person who would add value and color to my life, which would become bigger, brighter and with more substance. 

It is not with whom I can have fun right now, rather it is the person with whom I can have long term fun and adventure with. 

It is not what I can do to make a living right now, but, the kind of work I can make good living and at the same time spend my life adding value to and feeling joy with myself and others.

It is not where I want to be for five years anymore, rather, it is a space and a community in which I can be the person I want to be, with that person I can be with, and that work I can do in the long run. 

It is not the life I want to be in for now, but the lifestyle I can live with freely, joyfully, positively and with the least restraint and constraint I can have. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this if any.

With gratitude,

Self Wonder

An Imaginary Ad for What I want

When I think about people/relationship/attitude/situation, I always start with what I don’t want, and most likely just stop there.

Today I want to try writing down things that I want.

So here you go.

I want:

1. A Life with Purpose

Yes I would like to think it does matter. Certainly one can live just to pass the days, but for me it just seems to be boring and meaningless. And by having a purpose I don’t mean you have to have a crazy ambitious goal like becoming the new CEO of Google (btw the new one seems pretty awesome), but if you want to that’s also great! You might want to be a loving partner /friend /parent, be responsible for your work, have a cause to protect the environment/animals, advocate gay rights/women rights, become a great writer/spiritual leader/Hollywood star… I mean the choices there are endless! You just have to pick a cause and try hard at it. Give it a go. Give yourself a chance.

So I guess the next is –

2. A Life with Courage

I don’t want to live in fear -whether it be fear of failure /embarrassment /getting hurt physically or emotionally /losing something or someone – anymore. Life is worth taking a risk. In fact, a life well lived depends on it. Your life is worth that risk you are dying to take. Try it. Maybe it’s something for fun, some project at work, someone you fancy, someone you miss/want to make up with. Just go for it/him/her already! Nothing to lose really. But if you miss that chance you have right now, you really might not get it back (trust me on this one, you most likely don’t, ever, again, scary isn’t it). Try it and you can leave it all behind if it didn’t work out at the end, knowing that you have tried it would certainly make you feel good with a smile on your face when you think about it 🙂

3. A Life with Adventure

I want to take more risk. Have more fun. Meet new friends. Travel new places. Try new cuisines. Listen to new music. Have new experience, big or small. I just want my life to be awesome and full of interesting experiences and stories to tell later on, to my readers at least! And have something of reminiscent quality for my older self when I am in my 70s hahaha.

4. A Life with Love
Ok, I am guilty at fault about such topic in the department of romantic love. But hey, I am also talking about self-love which is of the utmost importance! Then it’s family love, friends’ love, and for me, I don’t know how to put it, but let’s just say community love- a love that is connected through a cause, a belief in something, a love in something that is of tremendous importance to me and the people concerned, and with that we create love among us.

And of course, love for music and arts. Love for freedom and creativity. Love for free thinking and writing. Love for the nature, the sky, ocean, trees, butterflies and cats haha. They are all so beautiful.

Now suddenly I can see and feel, I have a wonderful life living already and ahead. You see, it’s always good to write it all out and share with others. Because when you are generous with beautiful,
positive and encouraging thoughts to others in words (written or spoken), you always, and I say always, receive something back, maybe even more you can imagine.

Peace. Namaste.
Self Wonder x

“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.

The story of Craigslist

The story of Craigslist


I love reading on Craigslist. Especially the personal section.
Actually, mainly the personal section.

Of course I would also go to the community section or job section sometimes. Or sales section to see if anyone sells some decent furniture etc. But still, mainly the personal section.


And mostly, the men seeking women (msw) and the strictly platonic. Sometimes the missed connection and the rants and raves. But the latter two are usually boring and not much going on there.


I browse the msw almost everyday. In the city where I live CL is not that common among the locals. Most people who use it are from abroad where they are so used to looking for anything there from rental to sex (well almost the same thing).


I love browsing the personal page a lot. Sometimes I am looking for a good conversation. Other times I am just curious about the posts and more so, the persons who are writing them. The way s/he writes shows to certain extent who s/he is. In fact, just by the way the post is written I can already decide how the person might be like, and if I want to know more or not.

Since I am a female, I mostly read the men seeking women. But sometimes I would also read the women seeking men. The reason is that I like seeing how the stark difference there is between the way women post and men write. In the women seeking men, women are almost always looking for long term relationship, love of their lives, and marriage. In the men seeking women, it’s sex. Well sometimes it says LTR and dating, but they are just synonyms of sex. There are times that say marriage but I figure it’s most likely scams. Ok some might be true, but they are mostly white males in their sixties looking for Asian women in their twenties. It seems gross and almost perverted that way. I don’t know why men think it’s okay to say they want to date someone less than half of their age and do not feel slightly ashamed about it. In fact it seems they are so confident and even proud of their pursuit. They think they have the financial means to save the poor little Asian girls and bring them to the western civilized countries and that makes them crusades or saviors of some sort. I can’t even keep talking about this without feeling almost physically sick.


If this post interests you my readers, I shall write more about my experience on CL.


Cheers. Have an exciting day ahead you all!


Peace,
SelfWonder

Overcoming Fear

Perhaps I have not been grateful enough.

I always ask, when things don’t go smoothly as I want to, “Why me?? Why do I always have to suffer?” I would feel the whole world has conspired to fight against me.

I guess I have been too narcissistic. Too much ego. Who cares so much about me anyway?

And I always say I am here in this world to help others. Sounds very cathartic, doesn’t it?

I still think that’s my life purpose, to serve and inspire others. But, I come to realize, if I don’t start taking better care of myself, I won’t be able to fully utilize my talent to live up to the life purpose I aspire to.

So, starting from today, I learn to love and take care of myself more. I start to understand and address my emotion first before others. I need to be able to truly express how I feel about things and people without the fear that I might not be accepted. I want to be living mindfully every single day, remembering all the great things and people I have in life without too much worry about tomorrow whether I continue to have them or not.

Thank you Thay for your words. You truly inspire me. What a great master in life and writing. I think I really need to study my French harder in order to understand all his talks.

But for now, I will finish this book first 🙂

Try it. It’s fun and inspiring !

What are you dying to do?

I feel lack of inspiration recently. I know there are a lot of things waiting for me to do and finish off, yet I am utterly exhausted and uninspired to do so.

Where is my dream? I know this is not the life I want. I mean, this is a good life, and I am comfortable and grateful with what I do for a living. But deep down inside, I know, I want more than this. Deep down inside, I know, this is too comfortable.

I actually did work my bottom off to get to where I am now. It had not been easy. Therefore, when I got to when I was a couple years back, I felt I needed to slow things down a bit. I figured, finally my hard work paid off, and I could relax and enjoy my success for a while. That while had become too long of a pause. I stopped moving forward. I was too comfortable to work again.

Now I feel I did not progress much during the last couple years. Sure there was some advancement, but really not that much. It is time to get up and get back down the road once again.

Make your dreams come true!

I know, it ain’t gonna be easy. In fact, it’s going to be hardcore work. And people around me wonder, “what are you doing to yourself? You are doing so well already.” I know I am not young, but it is exactly the fact that I am not so young that I have no time to sit here still and waste it and watch the world go by around me. I seriously need to be involved in the action again.

And believe me, I am rather excited about it. Watching this TED talk video reignites that fire for my dream again. Listening to the speaker talk reminds me that having a dream is not enough, I have to chase after it as well.

Ask yourself like the speaker does when he knew he only had five years to live, “what am I dying to do?”

What are your dreams? And what are your plans to chase after them?

I AM READY!

My new life starts today.

Today, I decided. I decided, I am ready. I am ready for this drastic change. I am ready for my new life.

I know, I know I had said to myself many times, I would change today. I would persist for a few days, a week, or two, and then I slipped back to my old self. But, I must add, I did make some changes for good, however gradually painful it had been.

For one thing, I was being too nice to those around me, most of them did not deserve my nicety at all. What can I say? I was being a jerk to myself, and I might as well deserve that, because, no one could make me harm myself more than I let myself hurt me.

Finally, I decided today, once and for all, I would do this to myself, that I am ready for this big change. I deserve a new life, and I am ready for it. TODAY

So, mark my words, as of January 11, 2014. I AM READY.

MY NEW LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN. YAY!!!

😀

Online dating profile

so I have an online dating profile (or two). Surprise!

I thought, why not try something new? My friends were like, “the guys on dating sites are only after one goal: to get laid.” I am sure some of them are, and I have received that kind of messages occasionally. But at the same time, I have also gotten quite a lot of dates, proper real dates, along with some friendly hangouts with no clear intentions. I even got an invitation to exclusivity too early (or one that should have never happened..).

Now, it’s not like I have lost hope on this exploration. But after a year of it, I start to get a bit exhausted with this whole thing. Can meeting someone on a virtual world beat that in physical reality? Okay, I’ll give it one last try, because, even if it doesn’t work, I can say I am doing some research for my female readers and, get some good stories to tell later.

So here we go with my most updated online dating profile:


I enjoy my freedom: freedom to explore the world and do anything my heart desires. True love grants you freedom. (Oh yes, I use the word here, and I am not ashamed of it. If you don’t like this word or idea you can move on to the next narrative already, cheers). We all experience love from our family, real friends and previous partners. Sometimes we doubt about the true existence of it, especially when there is hardship in a relationship, or even after a breakup. But we are still trying, aren’t we? That is why we are here (but I know, it is not exactly why some of you are here, as you are looking for another kind of “love”. If so, please move along to the next profile as well).

I believe the right relationship sets you free. The right person supports you in your ups and downs, in good times and bad times. S/he is there for you in both difficult and fun moments- heck, s/he should be able to turn the difficult moment to be a fun one! Or at least, a more endurable one. S/he can take you to the next new level in life you have never achieved before, whether in career, fun times, health, or simply experiencing life to the fullest in the way you ever dream of or never dare to. Maybe it is in utopia, but last time I checked it does exist, at least in “la belle verte”.

So I can still keep my narrative as it was, “I am intellectual, wise, sweet, funny (oh yes I am! Did you read my profile name?), health-conscious (getting a bit too much recently in both exercise and diet!), have studied abroad, traveled around (but can always and will travel more), enjoy quality things in life like genuine friendship and meaningful conversation….” etc etc. But how do you know if all those things are true? Are you going to believe in my words just because they are written here? (Oh so you do have a little faith here!) You just have to find out on your own, by starting some conversation with me. And oh please, it’s just a chat, nothing like a life-threatening situation or a commitment here (oh no, I use another big no-no word for an online dating site! “Hmm, she must be too ‘serious’ to have fun with. Next!”)

And for those of you who stress to find someone “who does not take herself too seriously” because “life is too short” blah blah blah, let me tell you this: you are quite right about the second part of the statement, but it is exactly because life is too precious to be wasted that one must treasure and utilize every single minute of it to the fullest. So taking it seriously is a good thing, don’t you take it seriously at work, in sports, and having a good laugh? I think this word has been interpreted way too much in a negative way. More positivity please! I like to take having fun very seriously. And if you are no fun, I would not want you to hang around with me, seriously..


“Always look on the bright side of life…”


If you care to know, I shall update you with the (number of) responses I receive (I got quite a lot before this update haha..).