“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx

The story of Craigslist

The story of Craigslist


I love reading on Craigslist. Especially the personal section.
Actually, mainly the personal section.

Of course I would also go to the community section or job section sometimes. Or sales section to see if anyone sells some decent furniture etc. But still, mainly the personal section.


And mostly, the men seeking women (msw) and the strictly platonic. Sometimes the missed connection and the rants and raves. But the latter two are usually boring and not much going on there.


I browse the msw almost everyday. In the city where I live CL is not that common among the locals. Most people who use it are from abroad where they are so used to looking for anything there from rental to sex (well almost the same thing).


I love browsing the personal page a lot. Sometimes I am looking for a good conversation. Other times I am just curious about the posts and more so, the persons who are writing them. The way s/he writes shows to certain extent who s/he is. In fact, just by the way the post is written I can already decide how the person might be like, and if I want to know more or not.

Since I am a female, I mostly read the men seeking women. But sometimes I would also read the women seeking men. The reason is that I like seeing how the stark difference there is between the way women post and men write. In the women seeking men, women are almost always looking for long term relationship, love of their lives, and marriage. In the men seeking women, it’s sex. Well sometimes it says LTR and dating, but they are just synonyms of sex. There are times that say marriage but I figure it’s most likely scams. Ok some might be true, but they are mostly white males in their sixties looking for Asian women in their twenties. It seems gross and almost perverted that way. I don’t know why men think it’s okay to say they want to date someone less than half of their age and do not feel slightly ashamed about it. In fact it seems they are so confident and even proud of their pursuit. They think they have the financial means to save the poor little Asian girls and bring them to the western civilized countries and that makes them crusades or saviors of some sort. I can’t even keep talking about this without feeling almost physically sick.


If this post interests you my readers, I shall write more about my experience on CL.


Cheers. Have an exciting day ahead you all!


Peace,
SelfWonder

Overcoming Fear

Perhaps I have not been grateful enough.

I always ask, when things don’t go smoothly as I want to, “Why me?? Why do I always have to suffer?” I would feel the whole world has conspired to fight against me.

I guess I have been too narcissistic. Too much ego. Who cares so much about me anyway?

And I always say I am here in this world to help others. Sounds very cathartic, doesn’t it?

I still think that’s my life purpose, to serve and inspire others. But, I come to realize, if I don’t start taking better care of myself, I won’t be able to fully utilize my talent to live up to the life purpose I aspire to.

So, starting from today, I learn to love and take care of myself more. I start to understand and address my emotion first before others. I need to be able to truly express how I feel about things and people without the fear that I might not be accepted. I want to be living mindfully every single day, remembering all the great things and people I have in life without too much worry about tomorrow whether I continue to have them or not.

Thank you Thay for your words. You truly inspire me. What a great master in life and writing. I think I really need to study my French harder in order to understand all his talks.

But for now, I will finish this book first 🙂

Try it. It’s fun and inspiring !