“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.

I Remember.

The time we had in bed was most beautiful.

It was not just because we were in the act of it.

It was the way you concentrated fully on me. The only time you ever put your whole focus on me. Or least in the act with me.

I could feel your full presence. The only moment, and the most precious moment we had together. I had the whole you with me. And that was most beautiful.

I wish we had more of it. But, still, those moments were truly sensational. Maybe it was just me who felt so much about everything, and you did not even care about it. But, still, they were splendid. For that I must thank you. And I certainly hope you enjoyed them too. Or at least felt something. Something that slightly touched your heart, which is so capable of ….

And I hope you are happy. Go for it, you need it. Find someone else to be happy with, and to …. (I might not be the one whom you thought worth your while to …. but surely there would be someone you could find to do so)

I would recommend you read a book by Osho, called “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other”. Truly beautiful and insightful book. What a human being Osho was. How intelligent and funny at the same time.

I do still remember…

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx

Love has no boundary

Love is a beautiful flower.

Love has no boundary,
No matter,
Old or young,
Healthy or sick,
Any gender,
Any space,
Any life,
Any object.

Love has no distance,
No matter,
Near or far,
Alive or dead,
It’s present in our heart,
Forever and ever.

Love knows no fear,
Love conquers.
Love stands no lies,
Love trusts.

Love is hope,
Love Is faith,
Love is strong, and
Love is honest.

Love requires openness.
If you want Love,
You must be ready
To receive it with heart and arms wide open.

Get ready to give and receive,
And let your heart be filled,
Full with the sweet nectar of Love,
And let your body be scented,
All over with its enticing fragrance,
That floats amidst the fresh air of the enchanted chamber.

Love has no boundary,
If you are ready, I am here.

The story of Craigslist

The story of Craigslist


I love reading on Craigslist. Especially the personal section.
Actually, mainly the personal section.

Of course I would also go to the community section or job section sometimes. Or sales section to see if anyone sells some decent furniture etc. But still, mainly the personal section.


And mostly, the men seeking women (msw) and the strictly platonic. Sometimes the missed connection and the rants and raves. But the latter two are usually boring and not much going on there.


I browse the msw almost everyday. In the city where I live CL is not that common among the locals. Most people who use it are from abroad where they are so used to looking for anything there from rental to sex (well almost the same thing).


I love browsing the personal page a lot. Sometimes I am looking for a good conversation. Other times I am just curious about the posts and more so, the persons who are writing them. The way s/he writes shows to certain extent who s/he is. In fact, just by the way the post is written I can already decide how the person might be like, and if I want to know more or not.

Since I am a female, I mostly read the men seeking women. But sometimes I would also read the women seeking men. The reason is that I like seeing how the stark difference there is between the way women post and men write. In the women seeking men, women are almost always looking for long term relationship, love of their lives, and marriage. In the men seeking women, it’s sex. Well sometimes it says LTR and dating, but they are just synonyms of sex. There are times that say marriage but I figure it’s most likely scams. Ok some might be true, but they are mostly white males in their sixties looking for Asian women in their twenties. It seems gross and almost perverted that way. I don’t know why men think it’s okay to say they want to date someone less than half of their age and do not feel slightly ashamed about it. In fact it seems they are so confident and even proud of their pursuit. They think they have the financial means to save the poor little Asian girls and bring them to the western civilized countries and that makes them crusades or saviors of some sort. I can’t even keep talking about this without feeling almost physically sick.


If this post interests you my readers, I shall write more about my experience on CL.


Cheers. Have an exciting day ahead you all!


Peace,
SelfWonder

I hope all is well with you.

Bird of Paradise

Today, I think about you. I don’t know why, but once in a while, I think about you. I think about all the witty conversation we had, all the fun times we shared, and all the heartfelt almost intimate moments that we felt…


And I remember, it is your birthday today. If it really is your birthday, I wish you a great year ahead, full of joy and love. The kind of love that you deserve to have, because you are an awesome human being as I have always known you to be, even if you don’t know that yourself.


I hope all is well with you.

Tis a wonderful day.

Today I thank God for all of you. Although there are always ups and downs in Life, I know I have to keep my head up and keep going with The Goal in mind. Whenever I feel I cannot go on and there are all these reasons that try to deviate me from the Path I am taking, there is somehow another Force that pulls me back on track, that shows me I am not alone, and I am well supported and blessed in many ways. So for that I thank all of you for being there for me in one way or the other, and I shall keep you in my Heart always. Namaste and Amen.

Take a break and keep going.

Sometimes. Life is hard. We stumble. We fall. We fail. We cry. We sleep. We lay awake. But, we have to continue. Because, if you stop, there will be nothing else tomorrow. Besides, you never know what lies ahead. And it can be something absolutely beautiful and amazing.

Keep going. You never know what lies ahead.

“I am Proud of You.”

I’ve been waiting for my whole life. To hear that line.

To feel, to understand, to be appreciated.

Sometimes I feel, I don’t need it. I don’t need anyone’s approval.

What am I, a four-year-old child? A pet?

At times I feel, I don’t need anyone anymore. I can live off on a remote island, in the countryside alone, or some monastery, being religious, devoted fully to God and all.

But I also understand, I need connection.

I, however tough that I am, however independent that I am, I, do need people.

People to love, people to be in love with, people to love one another.

That is what life is worth living for.

We all, need that connection in life.

No one is an island.

So, no matter where you are, how you are doing, what situation you are in, how you are feeling.

I want you to know, that I, am absolutely proud of you.

I am proud of who you are, what you have gone through and still are staying strong.

I am proud of you, even at times you feel you cannot keep going on, you still try to hang in there, that even you might numb yourself at night with whatever means you get to and are comfortable with, you still wake up in the next morning/day, try to be someone, try to make something of yourself. You still try to work hard and be the best for those around you, especially for those you are close to. Because you know, deep inside, you want to show them that you care about them, that they would still stand up every day and try to make the best out of themselves no matter how tough the situation they are in.

It’s called “pay it forward.”

Because, when you try to be tough and caring for someone else, you also gain another day to live.

Helping others helps yourself. It’s that simple.

So today, get out there, and help others. Focus on other people, especially when you feel like you can’t keep going on.

When you focus on helping others, you feel good. And then you understand, even when you feel you are absolutely helpless/worthless, you, are enough. You are important to others. And you know that deep inside you. You only need to be reminded. By focusing on others.

So today, no matter how terrible you got knocked down yesterday. You get back up. And you go out there, and be who you want to be.

Because you my Friend, are worth it.

And I your Friend, am proud of you. Absolutely, 100% proud of you.

Peace out. Namaste.

Be good to yourself. Be proud. And be strong.