Happy First Anniversary, Darling.

It’s been a heck of a journey. A heck of a journey.

For a lifetime. For a year.

For a year. For a lifetime.

Suddenly tonight, I realized something.

In the middle of the night, in complete darkness, having my headphone on, listening to this meditation music supposedly for deep sleep, I felt something inside. Something joyful. Something profound. Something deeply moving. Something emotional. I cried – no, literally sobbed in the middle of the night, in complete darkness.

I felt something so strong inside. I felt someone’s pain. I felt I must have done something to this person long time ago. I must have hurt his feeling. Then others. She, he, them. I felt awful. Why did I do that to them? I did not do that deliberately. But I did anyway. I had hurt them without even realizing it that time. And some I probably would never see again in my life, ever. I felt pain this time, my pain.

I have decided. I do not want to hurt anyone anymore. I need to deliberately be cautious in being nice to everyone, especially those who are close to me, to whom I might be worse to, which is horrible from me. How can I be such an evil person?
Perhaps that’s the real reason to my choice of celibacy recently.

I am not sure how long this choice is going to last. But it would last as long as it needs to. It has been an interesting ride so far. Yet in my crying just now, I felt, I was ready, to receive my soulmate. Did I just write “soulmate”? My friend was using this crazy word the other night, with a tone so unconvincing yet wanting. I think he might just wonder about it here and there.

I just feel I am ready to receive any challenge my new life will give me. I shall not live in fear anymore, including love. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Namaste. Peace.

SelfWonder x

“I fucking love you.”

I think I fell in love tonight.

I never had this feeling before. Ever.

It was this most joyful kind of shivering deep inside my body when I was taking a cab on my way home from a fabulous i dinner followed by a walk at the beach.

The moment was so…beautiful.

And I felt truly deeply happy. Profoundly so.

And then I knew. I love this person.

I love this person so very much, so heart felt deeply inside my heart, like I have never loved before (I probably never had now I think about it). This, my friend, is real love. And I experienced it tonight.

I just know that I truly, genuinely, unconditionally love this person.

I love this person not because of the great brain, the beautiful smile, the nice body, the sexiness, the compassion, kindness and love, the talent and intelligence possessed etc (according to other people’s observation). I just love. I would love if this person appears ugly dumb or useless. I still love if this person is depressed, annoyed, angry and crazy sometimes. I also love even when this person is clumsy and silly or shy and asociable, or sometimes very bubbly and talkative and makes jokes that are not funny, or becomes all of a sudden serious and quiet. I just love all of it.

“I fucking love you.”

I said to myself tonight.