I am scared. Yet I am excited.

I am scared.

I am going away for a few days, on my own, out of a whim, again.
Last time I did something like this was last October, around the time of my birthday. Eventually someone followed me all the way to another country, but that’s another story.

Usually when I take a solo trip, I am particularly excited. This time, for some reason, I am feeling a bit nervous. Why? Well, it’s not like it’s the first time that I have not booked a place to stay before I arrive the destination. And it’s not like it’s the first time I do not know what I am going to do in the country I am going. But somehow, I am just a little scared. I feel something out of the ordinary is going to happened. I wonder what it is, I sure hope it will be something great. After all, I am taking a few days off to flee from my stressful daily life, to escape from my work and personal problems.

Before I decided to leave, my mentor said to me, “the only thing that you talk about is work. And you are so overwhelmed with it that there seems to be no priorities in all these tasks that you want to do. You really have to prioritize and choose the top two to three tasks that are of most importance to you and deal with them first.”

I suddenly realized that she was right. My head was completely messed up and stuck with all the things I wanted to do. But one could only do so many things at one time. So I decided to take a few days off away from my daily life and take a look at what my priorities really were.

First I figure, my priorities of the week are my faith, my health and taking rest.

Second, I need to clean my mind, by not thinking about work (too much). By creating space in my head, I will be able to think and imagine something new and great, at least that’s what I believe.

Still, I am truly excited. It’s 1am right now and I am waiting for boarding to the unknown for the next few days. Wish my luck, my readers.

I am the one and only. So are you.

You are the one and only.

Self Wonder

You are the one and only.

I am the one and only. So are you.

I am precious and special. So are you, my dear.

I am loving and caring, cold outside but warm inside. And so are you, my darling.

I am passionate yet gentle. So are you, my love.

I am sensitive and emotional, seemingly aloof yet vulnerable deep down.  So are you,  my honey.

Do you understand and know that we are so alike?

Can we come to the conclusion that we are the same kind of person and we need a lot of patience and effort in order to be together ? Perhaps like you said, strong will? That is if we really want to, both of us. We need to work together to make this happen, to make us happen. But I do think, if we try and make it happen, it can be so…

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Maybe I was wrong.

Love is Hard.

I guess I thought I had been right all along, my darling.

I thought it had been your fault, that you were being defensive, sensitive, emotional, and cowardly, that you were the one who did not open up to me. I did not understand why you were being silent and cold, that you could be so sweet at times and aloof at other. I thought that was why we did not get along.

Now I have the moment to sit alone, to think and feel. I start to wonder, maybe, just maybe, it’s me too? Maybe, just maybe, I am also being too hard on you, by acting a little defensive, sensitive, emotional and cowardly to you too?

You said, it shouldn’t be so hard right from the start already. I thought so too. But, now I come to think of it, maybe, just maybe, it should be. Relationship is hard, it’s never easy. If we want easy, we go to the bar and hook up with someone. That, is easy, and fun, and you don’t have to deal with that person the day after. And then, you can always find someone new day after day, night after night. But that, is not a relationship. At least, not a relationship that we both want, with each other.

I know, you have retrieved your emotion from me. I could feel it the other night as we walked back to my place, you were there physically, but not emotionally for me anymore. The connection was paused, or even stopped. Now I wonder, would you ever start that connection we once had again?

I get it. It is possible that we are not made for each other. But, I still think, we should give us one more try. That is, if you want to too. If not, I will not force you. I will let you go and find the one who is better for you.

For me, I want someone to stay for the long haul. So I need someone who is strong enough to face the constant challenges in a long-term relationship. I want a life partner, who is going to be there for me for both the good times and the bad times, and me him as well. I would understand if you are not the one for me and me you. Then, we should part our ways civilly, because after all, we are adults, we can be mature like that, can’t we?

Still, I feel, there is something between us unresolved. I do wonder, what is it you want to talk to me about?

Was I wrong about me, or was I wrong about us? …

I hope I get my answer very soon.

Love is Hard. Relationship is Harder.

I will be who you want me to be.

You are my dream come true.

I can’t believe that I’ve found you.

Can I be this lucky, really?

It’s the best feeling ever in the whole wide world.

I want to be the best of myself for you.

I want to spend all my free time with you, to talk to you, to hold your face and stare at your gorgeous eyes, to lay down next to you and hold you, like nothing else matters.

With you, I feel alive. When you are not next to me, I miss you so much and I feel empty. But even when you are not around, I know you are there somewhere for me. I feel safe.

I want to pamper you. I want to do anything that would make you happy. I want you to be the happiest person alive.

I want to shower you with all the love I possess inside me. Or even grow more love than I have possessed in order to love you more. That would make me the happiest person alive too.

Then we would become the happiest couple on earth, and show the world just how powerful our love can be…

I think, I love you.

I don’t know what to say to you, my dear.

No Words…

I don’t know what to say to you, my dear.

I don’t know what I can do to make you happier.

I don’t know what you are thinking, about me, about us.

Can you please just talk to me, my darling?

I just have no clue.

Although we have not met for long, I feel, I want you. I feel, I need you in my life.

I feel, I want to love you. And I want you to love me back too.

But why has it been so hard for us, to understand each other, even when we both want each other so badly?

I don’t understand why.

Can you just talk to me, tell me what you are feeling and thinking? Tell me everything, my darling. I want to know everything about you. I do, I really do. I just don’t know how.

Sometimes when I see you, I feel like the happiest person alive. I don’t care about anyone and anything else around us. The other day we were in the park, lying on the grass, surrounded by so many strangers. We just focused on each other, and we completely forgot about where we were and what was going on around us. We just held on to each other, and we felt, complete with each other. Time stood still, or simply, we just forgot about its existence. Can we do that once again? Can we try this once more? Can we start all over again?

I need you. I really do. I want you, I really do. I want to understand every little thing and every little feeling about you. Can you just give me one more chance to know you?

Please. I am still here to stay. I still want to make it work. I really think, if we can get this through, we can be so good together. Don’t you think so too? You told me so the other day…

Please stay with me and try one more time, I am begging you. And I never beg anyone ever in my life.

I still want you. And I still want to love you. Would you let me to? And would you try to love me too?

I’ll be seeing you soon. I will make it work. We, will make it work, won’t we?

Let’s try again from the start. Here we go, 1, 2, 3…

I’ll be thinking about you and missing you until I see you again.

I will know what to say to you then, my dear. I will. I will…

What are you dying to do?

I feel lack of inspiration recently. I know there are a lot of things waiting for me to do and finish off, yet I am utterly exhausted and uninspired to do so.

Where is my dream? I know this is not the life I want. I mean, this is a good life, and I am comfortable and grateful with what I do for a living. But deep down inside, I know, I want more than this. Deep down inside, I know, this is too comfortable.

I actually did work my bottom off to get to where I am now. It had not been easy. Therefore, when I got to when I was a couple years back, I felt I needed to slow things down a bit. I figured, finally my hard work paid off, and I could relax and enjoy my success for a while. That while had become too long of a pause. I stopped moving forward. I was too comfortable to work again.

Now I feel I did not progress much during the last couple years. Sure there was some advancement, but really not that much. It is time to get up and get back down the road once again.

Make your dreams come true!

I know, it ain’t gonna be easy. In fact, it’s going to be hardcore work. And people around me wonder, “what are you doing to yourself? You are doing so well already.” I know I am not young, but it is exactly the fact that I am not so young that I have no time to sit here still and waste it and watch the world go by around me. I seriously need to be involved in the action again.

And believe me, I am rather excited about it. Watching this TED talk video reignites that fire for my dream again. Listening to the speaker talk reminds me that having a dream is not enough, I have to chase after it as well.

Ask yourself like the speaker does when he knew he only had five years to live, “what am I dying to do?”

What are your dreams? And what are your plans to chase after them?

I care, I do.

We=Relationship

I care, I do.

I do care about you, my dear.

I want you to know that I am always here for you, even you are not there for me in return most of the time.

I want to show you that I care for you, even you might not care that I do.

Don’t you know, l want you to show me that you care for me too, because, I feel, you do, at least a little?…

People say, they don’t have to spend time with those they care that much that frequently, as long as they are there for them, because they are too busy with their own daily lives. I say that’s nonsense. If you don’t spend time with those you love and say that you care, they would not know you do concern about them.

One should never be too busy for those s/he loves.

So, let me tell you this once again, I do care about you very much, and I hope you do too. And if you still care about me, I will continue to show you my love, my support and my care towards you. I will let you know I am always here whenever you need me. Because, I love you, my dear, I truly do.

But you have to tell me you love me too. Do you?…

Relationship of any kind is a two-way street. It takes both ends to make it happen. If you stay, I am in. But if you don’t want it, I am out.

I am still here for you. Just tell me that you need me too.


I care, I do.

 

I love you like the sunshine.

I need you like the sunshine. The sunshine is what I need in my life.

I love you like the sunshine.

Like the sunshine, I need you, every minute of my life.

I need you like the sunshine, to glow inside of me. To keep me warm, out and inside.

I know you are there, behind the clouds when it rains.

I know you are in the sky, even when it is dark outside.

I need to know that you are there for me, even when I can’t see where you are.

I need you like the sunshine. Please stay with me as long as I live, as long as I live in this life of mine.

Honesty

That’s what they teach kids aged 3-7. But what about adults?

Nowadays I find it hard to meet someone who is trustworthy. And yet I consider myself to be one of the rare ones.

Sometimes I wonder, why are people being so dishonest? Is there any reason to it? Perhaps people are insecure; they don’t want to be vulnerable and reveal their true feelings. Perhaps they are trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. Or perhaps, they just want to be jerks and think if they can cheat people with their lies they have won the game.

Some defend for themselves and say, “oh, but it’s just a little white lie, sure it doesn’t hurt anyone really. Let’s just call it a ‘misdemeanor’.” Hmm, really? A “misdemeanor”?

Okay, I get it. I lie sometimes too. I get insecure that I am not sure if people would accept me as I am, based on the circumstance I am in or with the evidence I am trying to hide. But still, I understand perfectly that I am hiding something from someone and I am lying right in front of his/her face. That’s not a good feeling. Or, maybe it’s just me, who would feel bad not disclosing the correct information to those I interact with. What can I say? I treasure honesty. And I like the feeling of having no reservation between me and the person I call “friend”.

So, lie all you want, people. But I would not include you in my circle of trust.

And seriously, is there anyone out there who is honest and trustworthy??…

Family is most precious.

Recently, a lot of mishaps happened in my life. My physical health was once again compromised, and that led to deteriorated psychological and emotional health as well. On top of these all, there was a traumatising event occurred in my household. I was totally devastated, all of a sudden everything that could go wrong did. I almost lost all sense of hope and positivity, not to mention faith and future. And I even started to wonder, “Am I being punished? Why is everything bad happening to me at the same time??”… I started to freak out and go berserk a bit… or more than a bit… For the first time for the longest time I could not see where I could go and what I could do to make the current situation better. My positive and confident energy went from 10 to 0… or perhaps even below 0.

Let me stress that I am quite a strong, independent and diligent person. I would do anything to make things better even if it’s tough to, however, the current situation was so awful that it seemed there’s nothing I could do about it.

I always felt I was strong enough to deal with anything, and even if I couldn’t, I would keep trying and trying. Until I failed.

Then finally I was made to rely on someone else. I asked for help all so reluctantly. Or to put it a better way, I showed my vulnerable side and received care and concern from the people I was close to: my parents.

You know there were times you were close with your parents until you were not, after you have moved out and all, only went to see them during big holidays? You don’t live with them anymore, you don’t know what they do other than talking with you on the phone nagging you to put on another sweater because it has become cooler and so on? You only go visit them at their place once in a while and have a meal for a couple hours, with mostly you complaining about how busy you have been at work and how your boss is a jerk and so on, and then you venture into all the BS about your friends/love life/husband/wife and/children etc etc? You ever wonder how they’ve been when you are gone? What have they been doing? Have they been well, physically and emotionally? That they may also have something they want to talk about, however trivial those matters might be to you?

But of course, you never listened.

I, never listened.

I only babbled about how hard my life was out there, how I had suffered from work and dealing with colleagues/friends/lover, how this and that and how everything sucked. I forgot to listen to how my parents had been doing.

Tonight, for the first time, I did. I looked at my parents’ faces, and I saw those two strange yet familiar faces. I started to recall them as the parents when I was young, when I was still living with them, when we actually chatted and talked about how the day went and what we felt and thought about small things in life. We shared, until we didn’t . All because of me becoming an adult and thought I was better than them, that I was more educated and cooler than them, that I’ve seen the world much more than they have. But you know what, I forgot the very fact that only because of what they had done for me, that only because of their hard work and nurture that I had the opportunity to get highly educated and go see and explore the world out there. Without them I would have never been able to do and understand all these things that I now am so proud of. I forgot to be grateful and be appreciative of my parents. I forgot about the love we had in our family. I did not realise we still had it. But now I know, we do. We do have that love, that everlasting love only a family can share. The love and care I always wanted but denied to myself that I didn’t.

Tonight, we chatted like we’ve never had for years. I took a shower at the bathroom that I didn’t have for the past ten years since I moved out. It’s not like I haven’t been back to this house, yet only tonight I came to see this place as it really was at least fifteen-twenty years ago when I still lived here. It felt very different from when I usually came here for dinner for a couple hours; I saw it from another angle, the angle of belonging, the angle of being part of this place. I figured I would never see this place as it is now and how my parents really live without staying over for these few days.

Tonight, I dried my Mother’s hair for the first time in my life. I found, although my Mother still looked very young and beautiful for her age, her hair had gone almost completely white on the top, which saddened me a bit, finally realising she’s getting old. As for my Father, I could tell he had been getting skinnier and skinnier, and his energy level was just not the same. I started to understand that I needed to take better care of them, or more importantly, to spend more time just to be with them and know how they are doing, listening to them talk about things in daily life even so trivial that might seem.

Now, as I am lying in bed in the room I spent much of my time in during my rebellious teenage era, in this house where I grew up in, I for the first time feel very different and strangely serene. Frankly, the first night when I tried to stay the night over, I had a sudden panic attack that I had to run away and take a cab back to my own home in the middle of the night. But the second night was better. And tonight, it’s pretty comfortable. I am starting to getting used to it…