Men are so F-ed up.

I mean, seriously. Whenever I ask someone to do some work for me online, even without knowing my gender, they always reply with “dear SIR”. REALLY?!?!? Is it only MEN can pay and ask someone to do work for them? Seriously.

And then they did the work and the drawing was a MAN????? Did they even think it could be a WOMAN doing something great at sports/music/speaking or anything that matters? I think they wouldn’t for example draw someone at a home kitchen a man as the homemaker but at a restaurant a woman as the chef? Right? You see what I am saying here? And then they “bitch” (what should be the word for the men bitching now? Why is it a word “bitch” really? oh well the list goes on, and surely if there is a man reading this he is going, “ok this writer girl is nuts and bitchy” yes?!) about oh why didn’t you tell me exactly what you want? I mean seriously, maybe you should ASK before you draw? What a MAN attitude, they never ask do they?

Fine, I am done with my rant tonight. At least I am getting done, manwhores! (again a very sexist term even related to a woman, should there be an insulting word for man only ? I should start inventing some words exclusively to insult the male gender only without writing … oh wait, “assholes”, “jerks”, “dick” … these are exclusively for men since they are the only ones to be called these terms really, and oh, “prick”, I just used this term today. GREAT WORD to insult a man!

Peace (totally contradictory to the above but anyway),

SelfWonder x

Sex (sex sex sex sex).

Yes, I want to write about sex.

Why are people so afraid of bringing the topic up? Can they actually discussing it like some freaking sensible adults?

Instead they sneak behind one another’s back and do it “in secret”.

What is wrong with people? Can they grow up and talk about it like it is stock market or diet? Maybe they would do it better and get it done more if so.

Anyhow, I start to feel like I am going to hate sex, even I love(d) it.

I hate it for how people treat it.

I hate how people manipulate each other for the wrong reason to get it done,

Like the man pretends to loves her so that she would have sex with him,

Like the woman does it to please the man even she doesn’t want to do it that time,

Like people stay in a relationship just to have sex regularly, even the sex is not good,

Like people just do it without even knowing how to do it well and enjoy it.

It is the same way people treat relationship and marriage,

Or friendship and family,

Or work,

Or themselves.

They never take it seriously.

They never take themselves seriously enough to know who they are and what they really wants. I mean, what they really wants.

“What do you want me to do to you?” “What do you want in this relationship?” “What do you want out of this experience/connection/work?”

Most do not know what they want, and they never ask for exactly the way they want it.

They do it ok, and they go for ok.

I just can’t do it. I just can’t take it. What the hell is “ok”??

And do I have to be positive and energetic smily all the time? I don’t want and like to be negative, but sometimes I just am not in the mood to be all smily and cheerful, I just want to be neutral and stay inert. I don’t want to have to take care of others’ feelings and entertain people all the time. I don’t want to be rude, but maybe, when I say I am sick and I need rest, you can just bugger off somewhere else automatically and swiftly without me telling you to?

Time to retrieve. “Sign out”.

Totally neutral and inert,

SelfWonder x

 

 

 

 

 

Happy First Anniversary, Darling.

It’s been a heck of a journey. A heck of a journey.

For a lifetime. For a year.

For a year. For a lifetime.

Suddenly tonight, I realized something.

In the middle of the night, in complete darkness, having my headphone on, listening to this meditation music supposedly for deep sleep, I felt something inside. Something joyful. Something profound. Something deeply moving. Something emotional. I cried – no, literally sobbed in the middle of the night, in complete darkness.

I felt something so strong inside. I felt someone’s pain. I felt I must have done something to this person long time ago. I must have hurt his feeling. Then others. She, he, them. I felt awful. Why did I do that to them? I did not do that deliberately. But I did anyway. I had hurt them without even realizing it that time. And some I probably would never see again in my life, ever. I felt pain this time, my pain.

I have decided. I do not want to hurt anyone anymore. I need to deliberately be cautious in being nice to everyone, especially those who are close to me, to whom I might be worse to, which is horrible from me. How can I be such an evil person?
Perhaps that’s the real reason to my choice of celibacy recently.

I am not sure how long this choice is going to last. But it would last as long as it needs to. It has been an interesting ride so far. Yet in my crying just now, I felt, I was ready, to receive my soulmate. Did I just write “soulmate”? My friend was using this crazy word the other night, with a tone so unconvincing yet wanting. I think he might just wonder about it here and there.

I just feel I am ready to receive any challenge my new life will give me. I shall not live in fear anymore, including love. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Namaste. Peace.

SelfWonder x

Things that I cannot tell you …

…I just have to write them here.

I know I have asked many times recently, if you care about me, our “relationship”, if you actually love me. Etc. Etc. Yes, and you said, I have said it many times and I haven’t changed, you have. To that I admit, yes I did back off quite a bit. And you asked me why, you said I never explain it. I replied I don’t know why… Then I have to keep asking what you want and you just keep telling me to be consistent and think about what I actually want in this…

Now I do know why. I know exactly what happened after you came back.

I lost that vibe with you. Someone else came around. I wasn’t sure about us. I was so stressed with my work that I was completely lost in it. I started to wonder what it was all about. I went away for a few days, and I found myself. In the three days of doing absolutely nothing, no contact with work and you and everyone else, I was rested,  content and serene. I found out I didn’t need anyone. I started to take care of myself. I started to understand myself. I started to truly love myself and accept the way I was, who I really was all along. Nothing in this materialistic world mattered (if ever), no one in this world could give me more love and comfort than I could to myself. I didn’t have to prove my worth with what I could do for others. I didn’t have to be always responsible for others. I had to be responsible to myself first and foremost. I had to take care and love myself first before others. I was liberated, just in those three days.

Okay, that was not entirely true. After I came back, I did a lot of soul searching. I escaped from the normality once a week, to stay away from work and the crowd, to be in touch with the nature, the water, and myself. I was reading fervently, trying to ask questions and understand deeper and deeper about life and my inner self. I was reading, thinking, analyzing, questioning, pondering, feeling, crying, walking, sitting, lying, bathing, swimming, eating, drinking, staying in silence, in the dark…completely alone.

I wanted to spend more time alone, therefore less time with you. I don’t think you understood that at all, why I was hiding from everyone on my day offs. I wanted to have a clear mind. I was also perhaps depressed, and I didn’t want to affect anyone. I knew no one could help me with my questions and my quest, so I stayed alone answering myself at the same time recharging and rejuvenating myself. I was slowly regaining strength and youth back. I looked much more alive and younger. I was getting happier without buying things or achieving more at work. In fact, I started to declutter my place, and see the significant difference in how I felt with more space around me. I needed so much space physically and mentally. I loved that feeling very much.

But I started to question if that would affect my work, which I left unattended after clocking it in basically (as opposed to putting more hours and effort after hours which I had been doing all along). I started to feel maybe this was not that important after all, nothing was that important after all, we were just here for an instant of a lifetime no? Who cared about success and purpose and legacy etc? I could live a very simple life anyway.

I also didn’t care to have a romantic relationship anymore. People changed too easily, unlike the old days, they were so committed to each other, for better or worse to the fact. Nowadays, people can just leave so easily, divorce is nothing new. Then why do we still care about having a “long term relationship” with anyone? Isn’t monogamy a joke? It’s in fact more of a serial monogamy, and if that’s the case (it is for most people), why don’t we have polygamy, polyamory, or open relationship? And maybe stating with a woman is better since men are from Mars and women Venus and they seem to never understand each other anyway? I started to question all of that as well.

I just feel tired of having a relationship. I don’t understand what it is for anymore. Maybe I had too much bad experience in the past that I have lost hope in men/people for that matter (not that I was ever involved with a woman romantically, you know I would admit if I did). Deep down I do not trust anyone. I cannot even trust myself. And if I were you, I wouldn’t have a relationship with me. So what is this all about? I shall be glad if anyone could answer my questions. And I am seriously thinking about celibacy, so that I can focus on gaining knowledge and building my work.

Thoughts anyone?

Something Profound.

Today I yearn for something profound.

As I find everyone is just so shallow. Or at least the way s/he is living in. But hey, if s/he chooses to do so, that really means s/he is shallow because s/he cannot care less one way or other? Doesn’t really think about living his/her life to the fullest? Or at least doing/feeling something meaningful or purposeful? Something more deep and … profound? – I just don’t know what other word to use than this. “Profound” is simply, profound. And I just want to be, in awe with it.

And I am not even smoking anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I would feel better smoking something. But I don’t really.

Tonight I watched a movie called “Boy meets Girl”. Hey, before you want to judge me, it is not the kind of cheesy movie you are thinking of. I mean, it was a little profound. Or at least, thought-provoking. And I just feel, a tiny bit, just a tiny weeny tinny bit, like the transvestite. Not that I am or want to be one. Ever. I really don’t think so, or have every fantasized of becoming one. Nope. A woman’s body is too precious and beautiful to be ruined by a phallic symbol  (and two disgusting sagging balls on the loose like two Adam’s apples dangling at the neck of a cock, I mean a rooster), seriously.

I just felt (feel), misunderstood.

Anyhow, I still yearn for something profound. I don’t exactly know what it is. Perhaps something spiritual, or something bigger than the human kind. Anyhow, human is shit. Seriously. There is nothing more disgusting and evil than the human race, I can assure you on that one. Doesn’t mean all humans are foul. No, because obviously, you are so very kind to be reading my post right now that, you must be a very sweet and generous person, right? Hahaha… 😀

Okay, I am going to bed. Peace out.

SelfWonder x

P.S. I DO like my name, don’t y’all?

You asked… now I answer.

You asked me the other night, “Haven’t you ever loved anyone?”

I laughed out loud in the most sarcastic way, and you said I dodged answering the question.

I couldn’t answer that question, because I thought you would not like it.

Actually what I really wanted to say was, “Is that a joke? You really believe there is love in this world?”

In fact, I have recently asked myself, “Have I?”

I didn’t know how to answer it.

I thought maybe it was all delusional. I thought I had never loved anyone ever.

But tonight, as I was sitting here alone, in the dark, tasting a glass of fine port, I started to wonder, maybe I had.

When I thought about it, I felt this sense of pain and suffering inside me, burning and eroding me alive.

Then I must admit to myself, most unwillingly, that I did. And that was not a good feeling at all.

Well, you know what, I am definitely over it. There is an end to everything. And start of something new.

Cheers!

What a name. Cheers to that.

The No! and YES! to the new quarter of 2015

The No! first (say BYE to the last quarter and all the wrongs behind)- ended as of March 31, 2015 :

1. Fuck love. (the fake ones anyway)

2. Fuck men. (or more appropriately, they can go fuck themselves, those ungrateful bastards)

3. Fuck those selfish, life sucking, grumpy, non-supportive, take-you-for-granted people. (and that can include family)

4. Fuck men you fucked before who were too stupid and egoistic enough to see that you were the best thing ever happened to them. They can now really go fuck themselves (coz you are not there anymore, and yes, it seems redundant as no.2, but I am still going to repeat this).

5. Fuck stress and anger.

6. Fuck boredom and emotion.

7. Fuck being poor and worried about $$$.

8. Fuck being disorganized and lost in life (all aspects: personal, work, financial, diet etc).

9. Fuck not supporting yourself and love yourself (coz you totally deserve to be supported and loved).

10. Fuck being a chick shit and fear of taking risk.

THE MOST INTERESTING WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE… :

And now to the YES!!! to a new beautiful positive fun awesome life – starting as of April 1 2015 which is TODAY! :

1. ME: Love Me. Me. Me.

2. Business. $$$.

3. Adventure. Wherever life takes me.

4. Health (all aspects). FUN.

5. Live my life, like I have never lived before.

6. Love. (if I ever find it, I know contradictory to the top 1, so I have reservations on this point).

7. True friends. Form a trust circle with them.

8. Create something that is larger than life: Art.

9. Create something that is larger than my life: Helping people and change the world for the better. Create jobs for others. bring them education. Bring them freedom.

10. Always. Always. Be True to myself.

Pain.

Does pain actually exist?

I feel it. Inside me. And It freaking hurts.

What is it? Where does it come from? How does it happen? How does it look like? That I don’t know, but for sure I know how it feels like.

I thought it had left me. Apparently not. Especially when there is something that triggers it to come back and haunt me from behind. It looms over me like a ghost, like a dark grey sky above me waiting to rain on me. Sometimes it does, all over my face, mostly around my eyes and down my chin.

Then I feel a cloud of grey mass inside my head. It forms a hard piece of brick that does not go away. I simply don’t know how to remove it away from inside my brain. I guess I can pour some alcohol over it to try to dissolve it. Best solution/dissolution is whiskey. The stronger the better.

I know you might think, oh keep whining, just one of those girly emotional crap, maybe happening around the time of every month. Well it might be true, but I am sure it exists, and it feels real. Even I can’t see it.

I shall go to bed, sleep on it, sleep over it, sleep on top of it, sleep away with it, sleep away from it, and forget about it when I get up tomorrow. And it will be another glorious day I am sure of it.

Good night people. Or good morning to you. Wherever and whenever you are, when you are reading this, I wish you an awesome day, full of blessings and gratitude, full of joy and love. Even if there is challenge, sorrow, sadness, grief, stress, agitation, anger, loss, know that there is someone for you, support you, be there for you. If not so ever, know that I am here for you. And go find that person just for you. You will have that person, because you deserve it. I know that as the truth because you have been reading my posts, and that just proves that you are a person full of compassion and love, love for yourself and for others.

Always,

SelfWonder xxx

I hope all is well with you.

Bird of Paradise

Today, I think about you. I don’t know why, but once in a while, I think about you. I think about all the witty conversation we had, all the fun times we shared, and all the heartfelt almost intimate moments that we felt…


And I remember, it is your birthday today. If it really is your birthday, I wish you a great year ahead, full of joy and love. The kind of love that you deserve to have, because you are an awesome human being as I have always known you to be, even if you don’t know that yourself.


I hope all is well with you.

Purpose of My Life

I believe finally, I have found the purpose of my life.

And unbelievably, or almost ironically, it has been what I have been doing and passionate about the whole time in the past few years, in the last decade, or perhaps, even as long as I remember when I start living my life…

***

As I was trying to write this post on my phone, I saw I dropped down a few points on a note some time ago:

Meaning
Purpose
Passion
Create community
Do something people want not just out of personal interest

I don’t recall where I read the points above from, but I do think about things like this, all, the, time. Seriously, all the time, I ask myself, what is the purpose of my life if any? What do I live for? How do I live my life to the fullest and make the most out of it so that I can influence people and contribute to the world?

What I found was, most people won’t even think about these things. “What do you mean by purpose? It’s just life.” “Be happy.” “Earn more money and make my life better.” “Build a family. Have kids.” “Go to work. Get paid. Go party and spend money and have a good time, like most people do.”

I think what had stopped me from moving forward with what I had been doing was that I had a question about the last point: do something people want but not just out of personal interest. The thing that I have been passionate about is not very mainstream, so I thought maybe if I really wanted to make a difference then I should do something else, something that most people could relate to, something that could inspire and change the lives of people for the better.

***

Recently, I had a life crisis : not exactly a midlife one but perhaps close to, because it had come to the point that I felt like I desperately needed to make a drastic change in my career so that I could become who I truly wanted, to be more influential in other people’s lives and a more important person in the world. I felt like I could not waste my life ahead any longer, probably because I did in the past years/life, on sulking on my sad childhood and unlucky experiences, on moaning why life and people didn’t treat me better. Now that I have a new positive wonderful life, I absolutely need to start living well every single minute…

So I started to think hard, “what should I really do? What should I change?” It drove my crazy because I couldn’t figure out if this or that approach would be good, there were just so many things I thought I needed to do, but there was so little time to do everything at the same time!! Then I did this amazing thing that usually didn’t happen to me: I talked to almost every single person I met, and even called up some friend that I hadn’t seen for long time but I felt he could help me. And you know what? He did. He showed me what had been important to me and what I should focus on doing to make myself a better career and a better person, and that was what I had been working on intensely in the past few years! The conversation just cleared up my head and made me all so excited about what I had to keep doing, only with more focus and diligence, which I was more than happy to devote to my career and life.

Maybe it’s not really him who showed me the way, but it’s him who clarified my thoughts. For that I thank him tremendously. And so here we go, I am back on track to continue to serve the purpose of my life, to guide, educated and inspire others, with such work I feel grateful and truly content every single day.

I hope you all have a purposeful and fulfilling week ahead!