Hello! Grandma and Bear :)

Today I went out to meet a friend for lunch (it rarely happened to me because I was always busy at lunch hour).

On my way to meet my friend I passed by a shop. And you know what I found! This!

I could not believe my eyes. There is actually an other strangely color-coded bear, this one being designed by a famous fashion brand, as compared to the one I had, a stuff fluffy one and much bigger one instead, probably made by an unknown local brand. How old they both had this weird color combination. And mine had even three green buttons over its belly, which was most likely white but I could not remember for sure.

I was amazed. Finally I found it by accident, and in a highly unlikely place and situation. But this one was very plasticky and tiny. It was a USB. You could pull it out from the bear’s head. And you could also wear it as a necklace (a golden chain was attached to the top of the bear obviously).

But hey. My bear had been reincarnated so to speak. And it reminded of my Grandma obviously, who bought me the odd-color-combo stuffed animal bear one night when we were out for dinner. I was probably 7 or 8, or even younger. It was the last thing she had ever left me. And one day my Dad just threw it away for his own righteous reason.

Tonight as I was meditating, I saw my Grandma holding the Pink Bear. She and Bear were standing on top of this white marble staircase, looking down smiling at me. She said, “we are alright here. Your bear is safe with me. You can come here anytime and talk with us.”

I was so happy. Now I knew where to find my wonderful Grandma. And my Bear.

An Imaginary Ad for What I want

When I think about people/relationship/attitude/situation, I always start with what I don’t want, and most likely just stop there.

Today I want to try writing down things that I want.

So here you go.

I want:

1. A Life with Purpose

Yes I would like to think it does matter. Certainly one can live just to pass the days, but for me it just seems to be boring and meaningless. And by having a purpose I don’t mean you have to have a crazy ambitious goal like becoming the new CEO of Google (btw the new one seems pretty awesome), but if you want to that’s also great! You might want to be a loving partner /friend /parent, be responsible for your work, have a cause to protect the environment/animals, advocate gay rights/women rights, become a great writer/spiritual leader/Hollywood star… I mean the choices there are endless! You just have to pick a cause and try hard at it. Give it a go. Give yourself a chance.

So I guess the next is –

2. A Life with Courage

I don’t want to live in fear -whether it be fear of failure /embarrassment /getting hurt physically or emotionally /losing something or someone – anymore. Life is worth taking a risk. In fact, a life well lived depends on it. Your life is worth that risk you are dying to take. Try it. Maybe it’s something for fun, some project at work, someone you fancy, someone you miss/want to make up with. Just go for it/him/her already! Nothing to lose really. But if you miss that chance you have right now, you really might not get it back (trust me on this one, you most likely don’t, ever, again, scary isn’t it). Try it and you can leave it all behind if it didn’t work out at the end, knowing that you have tried it would certainly make you feel good with a smile on your face when you think about it 🙂

3. A Life with Adventure

I want to take more risk. Have more fun. Meet new friends. Travel new places. Try new cuisines. Listen to new music. Have new experience, big or small. I just want my life to be awesome and full of interesting experiences and stories to tell later on, to my readers at least! And have something of reminiscent quality for my older self when I am in my 70s hahaha.

4. A Life with Love
Ok, I am guilty at fault about such topic in the department of romantic love. But hey, I am also talking about self-love which is of the utmost importance! Then it’s family love, friends’ love, and for me, I don’t know how to put it, but let’s just say community love- a love that is connected through a cause, a belief in something, a love in something that is of tremendous importance to me and the people concerned, and with that we create love among us.

And of course, love for music and arts. Love for freedom and creativity. Love for free thinking and writing. Love for the nature, the sky, ocean, trees, butterflies and cats haha. They are all so beautiful.

Now suddenly I can see and feel, I have a wonderful life living already and ahead. You see, it’s always good to write it all out and share with others. Because when you are generous with beautiful,
positive and encouraging thoughts to others in words (written or spoken), you always, and I say always, receive something back, maybe even more you can imagine.

Peace. Namaste.
Self Wonder x

Thank you for your support, my dear.

I like what you wrote to me the other day.

“I am not just in for the good times. I am on for the bad times too.”

I was truly touched. Really, I mean, I just thought, I must be of value to someone in order for people to stay around. At least that was how I was brought up to believe. And even though I seem to have broken myself away from my past, it still tries to haunt me somehow, from very very far away.

I knew you had been good to me, but I did not think you would say that to me.

Now I know, even no one is around, I know you are there for me. Because you are in this with me. I am not alone here 🙂

Self Wonder x

Happy First Anniversary, Darling.

It’s been a heck of a journey. A heck of a journey.

For a lifetime. For a year.

For a year. For a lifetime.

Suddenly tonight, I realized something.

In the middle of the night, in complete darkness, having my headphone on, listening to this meditation music supposedly for deep sleep, I felt something inside. Something joyful. Something profound. Something deeply moving. Something emotional. I cried – no, literally sobbed in the middle of the night, in complete darkness.

I felt something so strong inside. I felt someone’s pain. I felt I must have done something to this person long time ago. I must have hurt his feeling. Then others. She, he, them. I felt awful. Why did I do that to them? I did not do that deliberately. But I did anyway. I had hurt them without even realizing it that time. And some I probably would never see again in my life, ever. I felt pain this time, my pain.

I have decided. I do not want to hurt anyone anymore. I need to deliberately be cautious in being nice to everyone, especially those who are close to me, to whom I might be worse to, which is horrible from me. How can I be such an evil person?
Perhaps that’s the real reason to my choice of celibacy recently.

I am not sure how long this choice is going to last. But it would last as long as it needs to. It has been an interesting ride so far. Yet in my crying just now, I felt, I was ready, to receive my soulmate. Did I just write “soulmate”? My friend was using this crazy word the other night, with a tone so unconvincing yet wanting. I think he might just wonder about it here and there.

I just feel I am ready to receive any challenge my new life will give me. I shall not live in fear anymore, including love. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

Namaste. Peace.

SelfWonder x